Homemade Brownie Brittle

Homemade Brownie Brittle

Things I Learned This Week Living In The South: 

1. There is no shame in standing by your friends as they take a pregnancy test in the bathroom of a funeral home. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen. 

2. If you have ever thought to yourself, "I wonder if there is a way I can procure a bag of weed AND a puppy at the same time?" there is.  And no, I do not have a puppy now.

3. Sometime when you eat way too many sprinkles they don't completely dissolve when you digest them. And the next morning after your coffee and constitutional you turn around and think, "OMG I am so gay my shit is rainbow colored!" 

This weekend I made homemade brownie brittle. With sprinkles. See #3 above. 


HOMEMADE BROWNIE BRITTLE

RECIPE INSPIRED BY STORE BOUGHT BROWNIE BRITTLE




Peanut Butter Chocolate Banana Bread

Girl Scout Peanut Butter Chocolate Banana Bread

This weekend I stepped out of my box and took a road trip with two friends, two strangers, and a cross dressing Scotsman. Which of course meant I had to make Peanut Butter Chocolate Banana Bread. A road trip necessity.  

With swimsuits in hand and sunscreen freshly applied we drove 5 hours even deeper into the south to watch a friend perform in drag for the sake of theatre. But before that poor sun burned Scotsman got on stage to open the eyes of Hilton Head's elite to the world of farce we made Hilton Head Island our bitch.   

Things I've Learned This Week Living In The South (Beach Edition):

1. A last minute road trip with your hairdresser can lead to some of the best seafood you've ever had in your short sea food eating life. The Hilton Head Island Seafood Festival proved to be the best $29 spent in a long ass time. Why was everyone keeping the beauty of the Oyster Shooter from me all these years?

2. The South is home to some very friendly people. As seen by the community of women at the food festival who rallied together to share what few unused napkins they had to make sure all women in line had toilet paper as there was none left in the shitter.  

3. When told that the person getting in the car with you once crapped himself wearing an adult dinosaur onsie, don't judge. He may be the only other "Ben" you'll meet that is worthy of the name. And as he played soccer on the beach in a newly purchased shark onsie, his girlfriend looked on with what I feel was a mix of lust and love. We all need a partner who can can admire us in our onsies.  


PEANUT BUTTER CHOCOLATE BANANA BREAD

RECIPE ADAPTED FROM THE GOURMET COOKBOOK (2004 ed)




In Defense of Funeral Food

Sadly this week a close friend of mine had a death in the family. And as with most passings a string of social events unfolded throughout the week. And as with most social events there came a string of meals. 

I've always stated that I love a good funeral. If the person is truly missed the room is always filled with a palpable sadness mixed with laughter. Community is formed as strangers form a line to pay condolences and are forced to ask the question, “how did you know…?”. Followed by what can usually be described as “okay” food. Usually provided by the army of church ladies always on and ready to serve when duty calls. 

This week of mourning started with an immediate gathering at the home of the deceased. Where he once dined nightly with his family now lay home to a spread of fried chicken, country ham, green beans, potato salad, deviled eggs, coconut cake, pecan pie, and sweet tea. 

The surrounding attendants ranged from former Southern Belles holding grudges, to current Southern Debs still blurry eyed at the loss of a loved one. One person was missing their now departed coach. Another his golf partner. 

After a quick prayer and pass around the buffet stories began to unleash the bittersweet laughter that mixes so well with sadness to yet again create a memory of the person now gone. 

A second gathering happened. Same table. Same Belles. This time in varying shades of purple from eyeliner to hose. When black just won't do, purple reigns supreme. 

Another set of prayers. Another round at the buffet. 

This time cold cuts on silver dollar buns, a new potato salad, a relish tray only of bread and butter pickles, brownies, punch cake, more sweet tea, and homemade pillow mints that dissolved so fast you were elbowing loved ones to get more before they were gone. Aunt June only makes them on very special occasions. And this was one of them. 

This meal was the prelude to the actual funeral. Where even more gathered. I don't believe there was a dry eye in the house. And more than once the room was filled with laughter. The phrase, “let me tell you one more story…”, was quickly forgiven as everyone was hungry to keep the memory alive. 

Afterwards another round of food. This time a time honored Southern buffet of BBQ. I was unable to attend this portion but I imagine it was as heartwarming as the previous few days proved to be. 

One man brought together scores of people to feast again at his home in his absence. His children and grandchildren representing all that was great in him and his wife, whom I imagine he is with now. A great loss, I will confess over the course of three days I was moved by a man I had only met once. 

I will admit in my life I have spent a lot of money to enjoy great meals. But I will put cold cuts on silver dollar buns eaten off of a styrofoam plate while discussing the merits of a good pair of pantyhose with Aunt Ruby high on my list of great meals.



Slow Cooker Beef Roast

Seared Beef

In a matter of mere hours my Saturday went from pretty great. To not bad. To "Dear God. Get me out of here". To "Tom Hanks is a genius in The 'Burbs". 

Then I seared some meat. 

Things I've Experienced While Living In The South This week: 

1. Bridesmaids are the worst. Even at 1000 miles away they hold the power to ruin my whiskey and andouille po'boy buzz. Know that when our paths cross I will remember that. 

2. The same dog that played Precious in Silence of The Lambs starred as Queenie in The 'Burbs. Tom Hanks taught us that sometimes you don't need to know what's going on with your creepy neighbors. 

3. When single and grocery shopping, you can find yourself wondering how you came to own 9 lbs of beef and what the dating scene will be like should The End Times come and you are trapped in your kitchen where you have hoarded the now procured 9lbs of beef.  

Though it's just me at home and I would love to eat nothing but cold cereal breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I have from time to time the emotional need to actually make a real meal. While sadly knowing that 80% of it will die a slow death as leftovers longfully looking past my moobs as I graze on frozen chocolate chips naked in front of my fridge at 3am.  This week I attempt to make a variation of Betty Crocker's Slow Cooker Beef Roast with Onions and Potatoes. 

Slow Cooker Beef Roast with Onions and Potatoes

RECIPE BY BETTY CROCKER

SERVES 6




 

 

 

 

Martha Washington's Shrewsbury Cakes

Shrewsbury Cakes

Having survived yet another week in the cube farm I opted to spend my Friday and Saturday evenings being social. This has lead to a very screwed up sleep cycle.

Things That Have Happened Due To My Messed Up REM:

  1. While walking home one morning at 130am I was mildly shocked to have a golf cart whiz by at a good speed on main street with two young women in the back seat yelling, “Oh heeeeey Benjamin.” I have no idea who they were.

  2. It is quite possible that a group of young adults and one senior citizen had a conversation over brunch about sharting. Yes, sharting. It was determined by the group as a whole that if one sharts alone it is rather embarrassing. However, if one sharts in the presence of a loved one, say a boyfriend or girlfriend, the shart is to be deemed hilarious.

  3. While downing beers, watching football, and eating what I feel to be the saddest BBQ pulled chicken sandwich ever I was pleased to learn that my own inquiry of “presidential cookies” on Google returned with a list of the favored cookies by all previous FLOTUS (or is is FLOTI because it’s plural?).

HIllary had her Clinton Chip’s. Barbara had her Cowboy Cookies. Mary Todd had her Sugar Cookies. Eleanor, her Honey Drops. And now Melania with her Sour Cream Sugar Cookies in the shape of stars. Let’s just assume that last recipe was handed down from the Old Country. 

However, this week we are going back to the OG FLOTUS herself, Martha Washington. Known around the swamp and Lady Washington, Miss Martha was quite the hostess. And among her arsenal of revolutionary treats were the delicious Shrewsbury Cakes shown above. 

More of a biscuit than cookie (or cake as it is named), this cookie was perfected in a time when sugar was not readily available. The Shrewsbury Cake is pretty tasty and I feel would hold up well when smuggled across the Potomac in the dead of night. Or eaten raw while horizontal on your sofa praying the next fart is simply just that and nothing more. 


Shrewsbury Cakes

RECIPE FROM MARTHA WASHINGTON


FOR MORE COOKIE BASED FUN CHECK OUT THESE POSTS FROM MY PAST!

SMACK, TOFFEE COOKIES, AND THE (DIA)BETES

THE DAMN MONTH OF PUMPKIN

DARK BROWN SUGAR COOKIES