Jam Jars and How I Keep Time

While the last 20 days have been anything but ideal I have still managed to keep my wits about me (save for that impromptu tattoo I got last weekend). Time does march on. 

I believe only one friend knows this about me. But I keep tabs on my time here on this planet with empty jam jars. Specifically Bonne Mamen Preserve jars. This week I finished off a jar of Mango Peach Preserves. As I washed out the jar to put it away I couldn't help but think of the past weeks and working my way though it. I don't care to spread all my news out there like Page 6 but I will share a few things I've learned these past few weeks. 

Things I've Learned These Past Few Weeks Living In The South: 

1. There is a medium who speaks to dead people operating her business just four blocks from my home. I am at once intrigued and terrified every time I walk by her storefront. 

2. Friendships reach new levels when one is asked to escort another to an adult themed store to buy a blow up doll for their significant other. Just to prove a point.  

3. There is a women somewhere out in the world who has her husband's name tattooed on her "special place". She also did that to prove a point. And in the end she won that argument. 

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FOR MORE ON WHAT I'VE LEARNED WHILE LIVING IN THE COLONIES

PUPPY CHOW AND THE LOVE OF THE SOUTH

FRIED GRITS AND 'TWANG'

PANTIES AND TOMATO SANDWICHES

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Japanese Tuna Salad

Japanese Tuna Salad

After a rocky start to a 39th birthday week I decided to get out of dodge and see what I could find out in the wilds of North Carolina. 

Things I Learned This Weekend Traveling In The South: 

1. There are few problems a Reba McEntire impersonating drag queen, whiskey, and riding crop can't solve. 

2. The incorrect response to learning someone's cat is a hermaphrodite is, "your cats fucked up."

3. If for only a few minutes, the right meal can calm your tits. And the Japanese Tuna Salad at Lucette Grace in Raleigh, NC did just that. See photo above.  

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FOR MORE ON WHAT I'VE LEARNED SOUTH OF THE MASON DIXON CLICK BELOW

SOMETIMES YOU CAN TRUST THE CANDY BOUGHT AT A BAR

SEAFOOD AND THESPIANS AT HILTON HEAD

SUMMER SAUSAGES AND SLOW DANCING

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Blackout Chocolate Cake

Things I Learned This, My Birthday Week, Living In The South: 

1. Sometimes when you arrange to buy a bag of weed it comes with a free puppy. And no, I don't have a new puppy. 

2. 39 in 2018 is not the same as 39 in 1992. So stop comparing yourself. 

3. All of life's answers can be found on TV. Namely Netflix's reboot of Queer Eye. 

4. And nobody owes you a birthday cake. If you want one make it your damn self. 

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Blackout Cake

RECIPE FROM NEW YORK TIMES

INGREDIENTS

FOR THE CAKE:

½ cup unsweetened Dutch-process cocoa

¼ cup boiling water

2 ounces unsweetened chocolate, chopped

¾ cup milk

2 cups sugar

2 sticks unsalted butter, slightly softened, plus 2

tablespoons for the cake pans

4 eggs, separated

2 teaspoons vanilla

2 cups flour, plus 1 tablespoon for the cake pans

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon baking soda

FOR THE FILLING:

2 tablespoons unsweetened Dutch-process cocoa

2 cups boiling water

¾ cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar

1 ounce bittersweet chocolate, chopped

¼ cup cornstarch

1 tablespoon cold water

¼ teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon vanilla

2 tablespoons butter

FOR THE FROSTING:

12 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped

¾ cup unsalted butter

½ cup hot water

1 tablespoon corn syrup

1 tablespoon vanilla

INSTRUCTIONS

Heat the oven to 375 degrees.

To make the cake, place the cocoa in a small bowl and whisk in the boiling water to form a paste. Combine the chocolate and milk in a saucepan over medium heat. Stir frequently as the mixture warms and the chocolate melts, about 3 minutes. Remove from heat. Whisk a small amount of the heated chocolate milk into the cocoa paste and then whisk the cocoa mixture into the milk mixture. Return to heat, stir for one minute, remove and cool until tepid.

In the bowl of a mixer, cream the sugar and butter together. Beat in the egg yolks one at a time and add the vanilla. Slowly stir in the chocolate mixture.

Combine the flour, baking powder, salt and baking soda. Using a spatula or a wooden spoon, slowly add the flour mixture to the chocolate mixture. In another bowl, whip the egg whites to form soft peaks and, using a rubber spatula, gently fold the egg whites into the batter.

Butter and lightly flour two 8-inch round cake pans and divide the batter between the two pans. Bake for 45 minutes and cool on a rack for 15 minutes. Gently remove the cakes from the pans and continue to cool.

While the cake is baking, make the filling. Put the cocoa into a saucepan and pour in the boiling water and place over low heat. Add the sugar and chocolate. Dissolve the cornstarch in the cold water to make a smooth paste.

Whisk the cornstarch into the water and chocolate, add the salt and bring it to a boil, stirring constantly. Boil for one minute.

Remove the pan from the heat, whisk in the vanilla and the butter, and transfer the mixture to a bowl and refrigerate until cool.

Make the frosting. In a double boiler, melt the chocolate. Remove from heat and whisk in the butter, one tablespoon at a time, returning to heat if necessary to melt the butter.

Whisk in the hot water all at once and stir until smooth. Whisk in the corn syrup and the vanilla. Refrigerate for 20 to 30 minutes before using.

Assemble the cake. Use a sharp knife to slice each cake into two disks to form four layers. Set one layer aside. Place one layer on a cake round or plate. Generously swath the layer with filling. Add the second layer and repeat. Add the third layer. Quickly apply a layer of frosting to the top and the sides of the cake and refrigerate for 10 minutes. Meanwhile, crumble the remaining cake layer. Apply a second layer of frosting to the cake, press cake crumbs into the top and sides of the cake, and serve within 24 hours. Store in a cool place.

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FOR MORE OF MY THOUGHTS ON BIRTHDAYS...

GOLDEN GIRLS AND OPRAH'S GRATITUDE MOMENTS

BIRTHDAY CAKE AND BOOZE

GERMAN, GERMAN, GERMAN...BIRTHDAY

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Smitten Kitchen Tiny Chocolate Cake

Well it seems I forgot I had a blog. Thankfully a blogger friend of mine reminded me late this week. And I promised her I would update. 

Truthfully I have not wanted to blog lately. I have been "in a mood" with all the negative inference that comes with that word "mood". 

In the last few months since my last post the following has happened: 

• I mistakenly tried to adopt a dog. Lesson learned I am not ready for that. 
• I learned that while comfortably wrapped in a down blanket I resemble a bald and bearded version of Moana's grandmother. 
• I have continued to foster unhealthy unrequited feeling for others. 
• I have become best friends with my Amazon Echo. I call her "Computer". And know that when watching old episodes of Star Trek she becomes very confused every time Captain Picard speaks. 
• I started the new year off with a nice cold that continues to linger. I fear my neighbor thinks I'm dying. 
• I have invested heavily in a vast selection of creams and lotions (and not for anything fun like alone time) because this dry weather has decided to give me intense all over body itching that I am sure has nothing to do with stress. 
• I maybe dropped my toddler nephew in a snow bank while attempting to teach him how to sled. And before you ask, he's fine. He continues to scream "NO" every time he sees me on FaceTime. 
• I've taken to pretending that Busy Philips and Orlando Soria are speaking directly to me while I watch their Instagram stories. So far I have not started talking back. But that might happen. Soon.  
• I was given a pretty severe Come To Jesus about my career choices in a parking lot by a good friend. I thanked her. 
• I became one with my wing back while watching 4 Harry Potter movies in a row. And ugly crying at the end. Admitting that I am late to the HP game.
• And today I learn that my oven needs to be recalibrated. As you can see by the poorly baked cake that never saw its potential but will still be eaten. 

Not all is lost this year. We've only just begun. A new day is just one sleep away. And I got to have cake for breakfast. One must always ask oneself, "What would Oprah do?". Then make your move. 

Happy baking. I'm going to gym. Maybe.  

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Tiny But Intense Chocolate Cake

RECIPE BY SMITTEN KITCHEN

INGREDIENTS

For cake:

6 tablespoons (85 grams, or 3/4 stick) butter, plus more for pan

4 ounces (115 grams) semisweet chocolate

3 large eggs, separated

1/3 cup (65 grams) light brown sugar

1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/4 teaspoon fine or flaky sea salt

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat your oven to 180°C (fan 160°C/gas mark 4). Line a 15cm round springform tin with a circle of parchment paper. Generously butter sides of pan and parchment round.

2. In a small saucepan, melt your butter over medium heat, stirring for even cooking. After the butter melts, it will then hiss and spatter a bit as the water cooks off, and then fragrant brown bits will form at the bottom of the saucepan. The whole process will take about 3 mins. Quickly remove from the heat and stir in the chocolate until it is melted and smooth. Cool the chocolate mixture to lukewarm, a process that can be sped up by trans­ferring the mixture from the hot saucepan to a small bowl set in a puddle of cold or ice water. If quick-cooling the chocolate like this, be sure to stir it every minute or two for even cooling.

3. With an electric mixer, beat egg yolks, brown sugar, and vanilla together until the mixture thickens and takes on a, frankly, kind of icky pale-yellow­ brown color. Slowly beat in the lukewarm chocolate mixture, and a pretty color will return. The mixture will become very thick but will loosen signifi­cantly once we add the egg whites.

4. Wipe clean, wash, and dry your electric beater(s), and beat egg whites and salt in a separate bowl until firm peaks form. Add a pinch of cinnamon, if desired. Stir one-third of egg-white mixture into chocolate mixture. Fold the remaining two-thirds in gently, trying to keep the batter as light as pos­sible. Pour into prepared pan, and bake in preheated oven for 20 to 25 min­s, or until it is puffed with a lovely dome on top (which you shouldn't get too attached to) and a tester or skewer comes out clean or with just a couple crumbs attached.

5. To serve, let cool on rack for 10 mins - it will immediately begin to sink in the middle - then run a knife around the cake to make sure it's not stuck to the pan, and release the springform sides. Let it cool the rest of the way on its base. Once it's cool, flip out onto a plate or second rack, remove parchment round (if it's stuck) from the bottom, and flip cake back onto a small plate. To serve, beat whipping cream with granulated sugar until soft peaks form. Dust cake with icing sugar and dollop with whipped cream and berries.

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FOR MORE CAKE SHHENANIGANS CHECK OUT THESE PREVIOUS BLOG POSTS

YET ANOTHER FAILED CHOCOLATE CAKE - I SWEAR I KNOW HOW TO MAKE A CAKE

POPPING MY CRAWFISH CHERRY IN BOSTON

EXTENDING DIPLOMATIC WARM FUZZIES WITH A BATTENBERG CAKE

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Friendsgiving 2017

If you are one of the three regular readers I have you are more than aware that my Thanksgiving pasts are less traditional and more nomadic. In fact I can't recall the last time I emotionally binged on pumpkin pie at the same place two years in a row. I have rightfully declared my Thanksgiving tradition being 'no tradition'. And I stand by that. 

Almost three years ago I found myself standing in the elevator lobby of my apartment building trying to convince myself that it was okay for a middle aged gay man of no sports interest to attend the building sponsored Super Bowl Party. In the end the maternal guilt of my mother whispered in my ear and my 2 hours at that party were the catalyst for three years of relationship building leading to this year's Friendsgiving. 

This Monday before Thanksgiving I will sit down with nearly 30 people for Friendsgiving. None of them are blood related. But almost all of them are family now. 

We are 30 strong and most of us transplants to North Carolina. From as far south as Johannesburg, to the outskirts of The British Isles, as far west as the Alaskan Final Frontier, and as close as the BBQ capital of the world. Between California and New York we have most states covered. We are restauranteurs, lawyers, small business owners, artists, doctors, creatives, singers, craftsman, academics, and mostly all can be called smartasses. But despite our varied backgrounds we manage to not totally piss each other off on a regular basis. Perfect grounds for any dinner party. 

There is a meme going around that perfectly sums up this event. It roughly says something about how odd it is that as humans we just randomly meet strangers and then just start hanging out. 

So naturally I trusted no one else with desserts. I will be bringing a couple pumpkin pies and a cheesecake. 

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VEGAN PUMPKIN PIE

RECIPE FROM LIBBY'S

INGREDIENTS

Crust:

1 Cup Unbleached Flour

1 Teaspoon Baking Powder

1/2 Teaspoon Salt

1/2 Teaspoon Organic White Sugar

3 Tablespoons Unsweetened Almond Milk

3 Tablespoons Canola Oil

2 Tablespoons Water

1/2 Teaspoon Lemon Juice

Filling:

2/3 Cup Organic White Sugar

3 Tablespoons Tapioca Flour

1 Teaspoon Ground Cinnamon

1/2 Teaspoon Ground Ginger

1/8 Teaspoon Ground Cloves

1 Cup Unsweetened Almond Milk

1 Can (15 oz.) Libby's 100% Pure Pumpkin

1 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract

INSTRUCTIONS

FOR CRUST:

COMBINE flour, baking powder, salt and sugar in medium bowl. Combine almond milk, oil, water and lemon juice in small bowl. Pour milk mixture into flour mixture; stir until combined.

ROLL out dough on lightly floured surface with floured rolling pin to an 11-inch circle. Transfer to 9-inch deep-dish pie plate. Crimp edges as desired.

FOR FILLING:

MIX sugar, tapioca flour, cinnamon, ginger and cloves in large bowl. Stir in almond milk, pumpkin and vanilla extract until combined.

POUR into unbaked pie crust.

BAKE in preheated 425° F oven for 15 minutes. Reduce temperature to 350° F; bake for an additional 35 to 45 minutes until center is set. Cool on wire rack for 1 hour. Refrigerate for 1 hour. Serve with Coconut Whipped Cream, if desired.

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FOR MORE THANKSGIVING SHENANIGANS TRY THESE POSTS FROM PAST YEARS

BUFFALO TURKEY OPEN FACED SANDWICH

THANKSGIVING TRADITIONS PAST AND PRESENT

HUMMINGBIRD CAKE AND DRAG QUEENS

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