Blackout Chocolate Cake

Things I Learned This, My Birthday Week, Living In The South: 

1. Sometimes when you arrange to buy a bag of weed it comes with a free puppy. And no, I don't have a new puppy. 

2. 39 in 2018 is not the same as 39 in 1992. So stop comparing yourself. 

3. All of life's answers can be found on TV. Namely Netflix's reboot of Queer Eye. 

4. And nobody owes you a birthday cake. If you want one make it your damn self. 

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Blackout Cake

RECIPE FROM NEW YORK TIMES

INGREDIENTS

FOR THE CAKE:

½ cup unsweetened Dutch-process cocoa

¼ cup boiling water

2 ounces unsweetened chocolate, chopped

¾ cup milk

2 cups sugar

2 sticks unsalted butter, slightly softened, plus 2

tablespoons for the cake pans

4 eggs, separated

2 teaspoons vanilla

2 cups flour, plus 1 tablespoon for the cake pans

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon baking soda

FOR THE FILLING:

2 tablespoons unsweetened Dutch-process cocoa

2 cups boiling water

¾ cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar

1 ounce bittersweet chocolate, chopped

¼ cup cornstarch

1 tablespoon cold water

¼ teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon vanilla

2 tablespoons butter

FOR THE FROSTING:

12 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped

¾ cup unsalted butter

½ cup hot water

1 tablespoon corn syrup

1 tablespoon vanilla

INSTRUCTIONS

Heat the oven to 375 degrees.

To make the cake, place the cocoa in a small bowl and whisk in the boiling water to form a paste. Combine the chocolate and milk in a saucepan over medium heat. Stir frequently as the mixture warms and the chocolate melts, about 3 minutes. Remove from heat. Whisk a small amount of the heated chocolate milk into the cocoa paste and then whisk the cocoa mixture into the milk mixture. Return to heat, stir for one minute, remove and cool until tepid.

In the bowl of a mixer, cream the sugar and butter together. Beat in the egg yolks one at a time and add the vanilla. Slowly stir in the chocolate mixture.

Combine the flour, baking powder, salt and baking soda. Using a spatula or a wooden spoon, slowly add the flour mixture to the chocolate mixture. In another bowl, whip the egg whites to form soft peaks and, using a rubber spatula, gently fold the egg whites into the batter.

Butter and lightly flour two 8-inch round cake pans and divide the batter between the two pans. Bake for 45 minutes and cool on a rack for 15 minutes. Gently remove the cakes from the pans and continue to cool.

While the cake is baking, make the filling. Put the cocoa into a saucepan and pour in the boiling water and place over low heat. Add the sugar and chocolate. Dissolve the cornstarch in the cold water to make a smooth paste.

Whisk the cornstarch into the water and chocolate, add the salt and bring it to a boil, stirring constantly. Boil for one minute.

Remove the pan from the heat, whisk in the vanilla and the butter, and transfer the mixture to a bowl and refrigerate until cool.

Make the frosting. In a double boiler, melt the chocolate. Remove from heat and whisk in the butter, one tablespoon at a time, returning to heat if necessary to melt the butter.

Whisk in the hot water all at once and stir until smooth. Whisk in the corn syrup and the vanilla. Refrigerate for 20 to 30 minutes before using.

Assemble the cake. Use a sharp knife to slice each cake into two disks to form four layers. Set one layer aside. Place one layer on a cake round or plate. Generously swath the layer with filling. Add the second layer and repeat. Add the third layer. Quickly apply a layer of frosting to the top and the sides of the cake and refrigerate for 10 minutes. Meanwhile, crumble the remaining cake layer. Apply a second layer of frosting to the cake, press cake crumbs into the top and sides of the cake, and serve within 24 hours. Store in a cool place.

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FOR MORE OF MY THOUGHTS ON BIRTHDAYS...

GOLDEN GIRLS AND OPRAH'S GRATITUDE MOMENTS

BIRTHDAY CAKE AND BOOZE

GERMAN, GERMAN, GERMAN...BIRTHDAY

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Crawfish Boil

Crawfish Boil

Things I Learned This Week Living In The South: 

1. How to shotgun a beer. Yes, I am aware of the shock on your face dear friend when you asked me to join and I stated I have never shotgunned a beer. And I am also aware of the look of shock on your face when you assumed I couldn't relax my throat and swallow 12 oz in one gulp. This isn't my first rodeo at relaxing my throat for maximum consumption.  

2. My man bag, which was a self loving gift I gave myself upon my triumphant return to corporate life a few years back AND the subject of a recent replacement debate, has reemerged in my Top Ten Accessories List because I learned it can hold: 

a. 1 Bottle Of Rose

b. 10 Pounds Of Andouille Sausage

c. 2 Loaves Of Banana Bread

d. 2 Cans Of La Croix

e. 1 Bag Of Emergency Hard Candies and Band Aids (because I am 90 years old)

3. It is perfectly acceptable to have a sense of pride when you find you are one of three Northerners left standing with 40 pounds of crawfish on the table after all the Southerns have bailed in gastorial weakness.  Special shout out to the Long Islander to my left who questioned, learned, and then conqeured the crawfish in a matter of minutes.  

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CHECK OUT THESE BEAUTIES FOR SOME SUNDAY FUNDAY READING

SUPER BOWL PARTIES, SHAPED CHEESE BALLS, AND SITTIN' IN DOG SH!T

CRAWFISH VIRGINITY AND BOOZY CAKES

RELATIONSHIP GOALS WITH MY CSA

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Grapefruit Brulee

I wanted a citrus salad for breakfast today. I got as far as making a grapefruit brulee and then it was back to Netflix. It has been one of those weekends. 

Things That Happened To Me This Weekend In The South:

1. While casually walking home one evening I was mooned. I assume the young men involved were hoping for a reaction. But given my penchant for men and the internet providing access to many derrieres, seeing some skinny white boy's flat ass shoved through the back window of a late 90's Ford Taurus was not so shocking. What was shocking is that he wasn't smart enough to move to the front seat where the window fully goes down. Instead he used the back seat window. The one that only goes down about 2/3 of the way. 

2. For the second time in my life I found myself in a social situation surrounded by others chugging a Smirnoff Ice in hopes to fit in. Later that night while pantless I ate a Jimmy Johns over the kitchen sink. Followed a few hours later, fully naked, eating the last of my Cadbury Creme eggs in front of my fridge. Frozen Creme Eggs are best. 

3. In hindsight I have no recollection how this came about. But at a pool party I first tossed a tennis ball for a lovely golden retriever to catch only to hit a young recently acquainted friend in the head with said ball so hard it sounded like Serena Williams hit a homerun. I think that's how you play tennis. And secondly just moments later with my now head traumatized friend we spent 10 minutes discussing pannus in relation to our own body image issues. Those google images are forever seared in my brain. And still I feel my fupa is out of control.  

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FOR MORE INSIGHT ON MY ISSUES CHECK OUT THE BELOW LINKS!

NARNIA, TURKISH DELIGHT, AND CELCIUS BE DAMNED

GRITS, GRAVY, AND GRACIOUSNESS

PALL MALL, PUDDING', AND PANCAKES

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Homemade Brownie Brittle

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Homemade Brownie Brittle

Things I Learned This Week Living In The South: 

1. There is no shame in standing by your friends as they take a pregnancy test in the bathroom of a funeral home. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen. 

2. If you have ever thought to yourself, "I wonder if there is a way I can procure a bag of weed AND a puppy at the same time?" there is.  And no, I do not have a puppy now.

3. Sometime when you eat way too many sprinkles they don't completely dissolve when you digest them. And the next morning after your coffee and constitutional you turn around and think, "OMG I am so gay my shit is rainbow colored!" 

This weekend I made homemade brownie brittle. With sprinkles. See #3 above. 

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HOMEMADE BROWNIE BRITTLE

RECIPE INSPIRED BY STORE BOUGHT BROWNIE BRITTLE

INGREDIENTS

1 Box Brownie Mix of choice

Egg and Oil as directed on box

Sprinkles

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Line baking sheet with aluminum foil and spray with baking spray. Set aside.

2. Prepare brownie batter as directed on box.

3. Using a spatula and working in small batches, spread out thin layer of brownie mix on prepared baking sheet. Decorate with sprinkles.

4. Bake on middle rack of preheated oven for 25-30 mins or until done.

5. Brittle will harden as it cools. Once cooled it can be broken into smaller pieces.

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FOR MORE ON MY SANDS THROUGH THE HOURGLASS...

ONE OF THE BEST VIETNAMESE RESTAURANTS IN MINNESOTA

MY OBSESSION WITH CADBURY CREME EGGS RUNS DEEP 

TAXICAB CONFESSIONS IN THE SOUTH

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Pioneer Vinegar Pie

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Things I Learned This Week Living In The South: 

1. While casually dining with a local friend, her mother, and her aunt. You have to ask for clarification when you overhear "Your great Uncle Gus haunts that house to this day. You know the house that was in The Color Purple movie. Shame they couldn't get him to the hospital any faster after that rabid dog bit him."  

2. After hearing of Uncle Gus and his tribulations you are even less shocked to learn that one of your neighbors who you thought was a gentile septuagenarian, was in fact part of the story behind the film American Gangster. Cue the shame filled Wikipedia midnight searching. 

3. If you have to take the time to ponder if wearing your nap jeans to a social event is okay it might just be a Netflix and Chillurbate kind of night. 

So after binging on Netflix I decided that in the spirit of still taking recipes for Thanksgiving on test drives I would challenge myself to make a dessert with only ingredients I had in the house. And if you've been to my house as of late you know all I eat are apples, eggs, and La Croix. 

Having just run out of apples I was forced to do some internet digging and found this gem of a recipe from my dear friend Martha. It's as vintage as my taste in 80's tv shows. 

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Pioneer Vinegar Pie

RECIPE FROM MARTHA STEWART

INGREDIENTS

2 T all-purpose flour, plus more for surface

2 T unsalted butter

1/2 cup light-brown sugar

1/2 t ground cinnamon

1/2 t ground ginger

1/6 t freshly grated nutmeg

1/4 t salt

2 t cider vinegar

1 cup plus 1 teaspoon water, divided

3 large eggs, divided

1 t turbinado sugar or sanding sugar

Vanilla ice cream, for serving

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Roll out 1 disk of dough (SEE RECIPE BELOW) into a 12-inch round on a lightly floured surface. Fit into a 9-inch pie plate, and trim edge of dough to rim. Roll out remaining disk of dough to a 12-inch round. Transfer to a parchment-lined baking sheet, and refrigerate, along with dough in pie plate, until firm, about 1 hour.

2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Melt butter in a bowl set over a saucepan of simmering water; remove from heat. Whisk in brown sugar, flour, spices, salt, vinegar, and 1 cup water. Lightly beat 2 eggs, and whisk into mixture. Return bowl to pan of simmering water, and cook, stirring often, until mixture is thick enough to coat the back of a spoon, 10 to 12 minutes. Remove from heat, and let cool to room temperature, about 20 minutes, stirring occasionally.

3. Pour filling into crust, and place top crust over filling. Trim excess, leaving a 1/2-inch overhang. Fold under bottom crust. Press to seal, and crimp as desired. Beat remaining egg with remaining teaspoon water; brush top of pie with egg wash, and sprinkle with turbinado sugar. Use a sharp knife to slash 6 vents radiating out from center of pie. Bake pie until golden and surface has puffed, about 45 minutes. Let cool on a wire rack 45 minutes. Serve slightly warm with ice cream.

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Foolproof Pie Dough

RECIPE FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES

INGREDIENTS

2 ½ cups unbleached all-purpose flour (12 1/2 ounces)

1 t table salt

2 T sugar

12 T cold unsalted butter (1 1/2 sticks), cut into 1/4" slices

½ cup chilled solid vegetable shortening, cut into 4 pieces

¼ cup vodka, cold

¼ cup cold water

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Process 1 1/2 cups flour, salt, and sugar in food processor until combined, about 2 one-second pulses. Add butter and shortening and process until homogeneous dough just starts to collect in uneven clumps, about 15 seconds (dough will resemble cottage-cheese curds, and there should be no uncoated flour). Scrape bowl with rubber spatula and redistribute dough evenly around processor blade. Add remaining cup flour and pulse until mixture is evenly distributed around bowl and mass of dough has been broken up, 4 to 6 quick pulses. Empty mixture into medium bowl.

2. Sprinkle vodka and water over mixture. With rubber spatula, use folding motion to mix, pressing down on dough until dough is slightly tacky and sticks together. Divide dough into two even balls and flatten each into 4-inch disk. Wrap each in plastic wrap and refrigerate at least 45 minutes or up to 2 days.

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FOR MORE THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE LIVING IN THE SOUTH CLICK HERE!

OR HERE

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