Scottish Shortbread Cookies

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Scottish Shortbread Cookies

At some point last week a coworker inquired if I had ever made Scottish shortbread cookies. Like Cher Horowitz claiming to know who Billie Holiday is, I simply said yes. Couldn't be that hard right?

Fast forward two nights later I find myself sitting at a bar next to an actual Scotsman so naturally I take that as a sign that I best get in the kitchen and do a test run on shortbread cookies. 

So I got to baking this morning while only mildly hungover from a late night out at a Halloween party where the best costume had to be someone who dressed up as Liza Minnelli in a Eddie Munster costume. It was all very meta Victor/Victoria. 

Now clearly not done up in the traditional Scottish Shortbread fashion I made a very small batch just to work our flavor. The cookies are very easy to make. And were a great chaser to my fried egg and coffee breakfast. 

For experimental purposes I may try them again with brown sugar. I'll let you know how that turns out. 

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Shortbread

RECIPE FROM THE GOURMET COOKBOOK 2004 EDITION

ingredients

1 stick (8 tablespoons) unsalted butter, softened

1/4 cup superfine sugar

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/8 teaspoon salt

1 cup all-purpose flour

1/2 cup chopped toasted nuts (optional - omitted from cookies pictured)

instructions

1. Put a rack in middle of oven and preheat oven to 375 degrees.

2. Blend together butter, sugar, vanilla, and salt in a bowl with a fork until well combined. Sift flour over butter mixture and blend with fork until a soft dough forms.

3. Transfer dough to an ungreased baking sheet. With floured fingertips, pat into a 9-by-4 1/2-inch rectangle. Crimp edges decoratively with tines of a fork and prick dough all over. Score dough crosswise with the back of knife into 8 pieces. Sprinkle with nuts, if using.

4. Bake shortbread until edges are golden, about 15 mins. Cool on baking sheet on a rack for 10 minutes, then cut into slices (while still warm) with a sharp knife. Transfer to rack and cool completely.

Note: The shortbread keeps in an airtight container at room temperature for up to 1 week.

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FOR MORE COOKIE FUN TRY SOME OF THESE FROM THE ARCHIVES!

DARK BROWN SUGAR

HAMENTASHEN

BROWNIE+COOKIE=BROOKIE

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Pioneer Vinegar Pie

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Things I Learned This Week Living In The South: 

1. While casually dining with a local friend, her mother, and her aunt. You have to ask for clarification when you overhear "Your great Uncle Gus haunts that house to this day. You know the house that was in The Color Purple movie. Shame they couldn't get him to the hospital any faster after that rabid dog bit him."  

2. After hearing of Uncle Gus and his tribulations you are even less shocked to learn that one of your neighbors who you thought was a gentile septuagenarian, was in fact part of the story behind the film American Gangster. Cue the shame filled Wikipedia midnight searching. 

3. If you have to take the time to ponder if wearing your nap jeans to a social event is okay it might just be a Netflix and Chillurbate kind of night. 

So after binging on Netflix I decided that in the spirit of still taking recipes for Thanksgiving on test drives I would challenge myself to make a dessert with only ingredients I had in the house. And if you've been to my house as of late you know all I eat are apples, eggs, and La Croix. 

Having just run out of apples I was forced to do some internet digging and found this gem of a recipe from my dear friend Martha. It's as vintage as my taste in 80's tv shows. 

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Pioneer Vinegar Pie

RECIPE FROM MARTHA STEWART

INGREDIENTS

2 T all-purpose flour, plus more for surface

2 T unsalted butter

1/2 cup light-brown sugar

1/2 t ground cinnamon

1/2 t ground ginger

1/6 t freshly grated nutmeg

1/4 t salt

2 t cider vinegar

1 cup plus 1 teaspoon water, divided

3 large eggs, divided

1 t turbinado sugar or sanding sugar

Vanilla ice cream, for serving

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Roll out 1 disk of dough (SEE RECIPE BELOW) into a 12-inch round on a lightly floured surface. Fit into a 9-inch pie plate, and trim edge of dough to rim. Roll out remaining disk of dough to a 12-inch round. Transfer to a parchment-lined baking sheet, and refrigerate, along with dough in pie plate, until firm, about 1 hour.

2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Melt butter in a bowl set over a saucepan of simmering water; remove from heat. Whisk in brown sugar, flour, spices, salt, vinegar, and 1 cup water. Lightly beat 2 eggs, and whisk into mixture. Return bowl to pan of simmering water, and cook, stirring often, until mixture is thick enough to coat the back of a spoon, 10 to 12 minutes. Remove from heat, and let cool to room temperature, about 20 minutes, stirring occasionally.

3. Pour filling into crust, and place top crust over filling. Trim excess, leaving a 1/2-inch overhang. Fold under bottom crust. Press to seal, and crimp as desired. Beat remaining egg with remaining teaspoon water; brush top of pie with egg wash, and sprinkle with turbinado sugar. Use a sharp knife to slash 6 vents radiating out from center of pie. Bake pie until golden and surface has puffed, about 45 minutes. Let cool on a wire rack 45 minutes. Serve slightly warm with ice cream.

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Foolproof Pie Dough

RECIPE FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES

INGREDIENTS

2 ½ cups unbleached all-purpose flour (12 1/2 ounces)

1 t table salt

2 T sugar

12 T cold unsalted butter (1 1/2 sticks), cut into 1/4" slices

½ cup chilled solid vegetable shortening, cut into 4 pieces

¼ cup vodka, cold

¼ cup cold water

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Process 1 1/2 cups flour, salt, and sugar in food processor until combined, about 2 one-second pulses. Add butter and shortening and process until homogeneous dough just starts to collect in uneven clumps, about 15 seconds (dough will resemble cottage-cheese curds, and there should be no uncoated flour). Scrape bowl with rubber spatula and redistribute dough evenly around processor blade. Add remaining cup flour and pulse until mixture is evenly distributed around bowl and mass of dough has been broken up, 4 to 6 quick pulses. Empty mixture into medium bowl.

2. Sprinkle vodka and water over mixture. With rubber spatula, use folding motion to mix, pressing down on dough until dough is slightly tacky and sticks together. Divide dough into two even balls and flatten each into 4-inch disk. Wrap each in plastic wrap and refrigerate at least 45 minutes or up to 2 days.

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FOR MORE THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE LIVING IN THE SOUTH CLICK HERE!

OR HERE

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Salted Caramel Ricotta Pancakes

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Salted Caramel Ricotta Pancakes

It was a busy week down here in The South. The factory was abuzz all week long with socks flying everywhere. The town was bustling with Pride and homecoming this weekend. And naturally my mind turned to Thanksgiving.

As the Queer community and its allies descended upon our tiny town I hunkered down with friends to watch the parade while sipping mimosas out of well worn insurance themed coffee mugs. There was a heated game of spoons happening. Where you throw a spoon into the street and drink every time a car hits it. Shots were taken whenever a car with a Drag Queen hit a spoon. And there was a revealing moment when I realized my back up back up back up hairdresser was once on tv's Survivor. She later proved her alliance to me as she put some fellow gays in their place after they felt it was okay to talk shit about my hometown, despite my just stating where I was from. 

I am sure you are wondering how Thanksgiving comes into play. Well as it should happen I packed my man handbag for the day with all possible outcomes considered. The contents were as follows: 

1. One bottle of Trader Joe's Blanc de Blancs

2. One box of water crackers. You never know when you need a snack. 

3. Two apples

4. My passport

5. Floss (in case of apple consumption)

6. Two cans of La Croix to stay hydrated

7. Food and Wine November 2016 edition (in case the parade got boring...it didn't)

During the slow moments of the parade I started making lists of potential foods to serve for Thanksgiving this year. As I will be dining alone on this most sacred of food holidays I have had to alter my menu so as to not drown in a sea of left overs. With the holiday still over a month away I have the opportunity to test a few recipes before letting them get to the final elimination round. 

This year I have also decided to include a Black Friday Breakfast. I will not be at the malls, but I will be in my nap jeans having a nice breakfast watching the fools on tv at the malls. This talk of breakfast had started earlier in the week while having a chat with another food enabler friend of mine. He posited the idea of using our favorite coffee creamer in a waffle or french toast. 

Not having a waffle maker or bread in the house, but having a large container of ricotta cheese I landed on Salted Caramel Ricotta Pancakes. Needless to say I am bloated and full on some damn tasty pancakes while hoping those Drag Queens from yesterday knew we were cheering for them as well as the spoons.  

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Salted Caramel Ricotta Pancakes

RECIPE INSPIRED BY THE KITCHN (WITH SOME CHANGES BY ME)

ingredients

1 cup ricotta cheese

1 cup all-purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1 1/2 tablespoons granulated sugar

1/4 teaspoon fine salt

3/4 cup Salted Caramel Flavored All Natural Coffee Creamer

2 large eggs, separated

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Butter, for cooking

instructions

Whisk together in medium bowl dry ingredients of flour, baking powder, sugar and salt. Set aside.

In larger bowl mix together ricotta, creamer, egg yolks, and vanilla. Combine with dry ingredients and stir together until incorporated.

Using a hand mixer or your own brute strength whip egg whites until stiff peaks form in separate bowl.

Stir in roughly 1/3 cup of whipped egg whites into pancake batter to loosen it up.

Gently fold in remaining egg whites with rubber spatula until no streaks of egg whites remain.

Melt a small amount of butter on a griddle preheated over medium-high heat. Using a 1/3 cup measuring cup pour pancake batter onto the hot griddle. Cook pancake roughly 3 minutes or until bubbles start to pop on top. Flip pancake and continue to cook until golden brown, roughly another 2-3 minutes.

Repeat with remaining pancake batter.

Serve with desired toppings. Suggestions include but are not limited to, maple syrup, powdered sugar, caramel drizzle with whipped cream. Or just straight out of the freezer at 3 am while contemplating life's choices.

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FOR MORE SOUTHERN BREAKFAST FUN CHECK OUT THIS RECIPE FOR SWEET GRIT CAKES

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Chocolate Trifle

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Chocolate Trifle

Feel free to shame me.

It has been well over a month since my last update to you my devoted fans (hi mom).  I can honestly say that I have been busy. I hosted an engagement party. I took a short and sweet trip back to the homeland. I have entered a polyamorous relationship with Netflix, Amazon Prime, and HBO Go. The nights are cold but if I learned anything from Big Love, it's that my night of the week will come. And when I does I plan to sleep as little as possible. 

Who are we kidding. When my night comes it will be in and out with a snack in under 20 mins. Sleep is oh so important. 

As I mentioned above I hosted an engagement party. And as I am not one to toss out a party sub for even the most casual of soirees I naturally crowdsourced my menu planning. Over multiple phone calls and text conversations my former work wife and I settled upon a buffet fit for the reddest of necks and the most finicky of bottoms. 

Starters were simple trays of cured meats, hard cheeses and Bud Light. 

Main course consisted of the ancient but classic Silver Palate's Chicken Marbella (find the recipe here), varied seasonal roasted vegetables, a bitter greens salad with sliced peaches, and variety of stone fruits with ricotta and honey. And canned Barefoot Refresh Wine Spritzers (with no promotional ties at all).

The ricotta scared people. Trust me I know when you find grainy white stuff coming towards your mouth you should be suspicious. But ricotta is always welcome.    

Dessert was the easy part. As this party was all about the lovely couple I made a cake I had been craving for months. Chocolate on Chocolate. And the North Carolina classic Hummingbird Cake. The compliments were appreciated. And though I wanted to hobble the hands of a few guests who imbibed and felt it was kosher to just drag their fingers across the cake plate when 'nobody was looking' I was very pleased to see no leftovers. Just know that all bakers have eyes in the backs of their heads. And we can spot a finger dredge at 50 paces.  

As I mentioned above I made a Chocolate on Chocolate cake due to some peri-MANopausal cravings. And with most cakes I make I had shaved off the cake tops. It's the Jew in me. Always looking to trim a little off. Well those tops ended up in my freezer. And those frozen tops ended up being made into a poor man's trifle of crumbled cake and almond buttercream frosting. 

All in preparation for a naked 3AM snack that makes all my worries go away. Until 3:05AM.  

Chocolate Cake 

RECIPE INSPIRED BY COOK'S ILLUSTRATED

INGREDIENTS

1 1/2 cups All Purpose Flour

1 cup Granulated Sugar

1/2 t Baking Soda

1/4 t Kosher Salt

1/2 cup Cocoa Powder

1/3 cup Milk Chocolate Chips

1 cup Fresh Black Coffee

2/3 c Mayonnaise

1 Egg

2 t Vanilla Extract

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Adjust oven rack to middle position and preheat oven to 350 degrees. Prepare an 8" square baking dish with pan spray and set aside.

2. In large bowl whisk together flour, sugar, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

3. In a separate large bowl layer in chocolate chip and and cocoa powder. Slowly pour freshly brewed hot coffee over the chocolates and allow to sit for 10 mins. After time has passed using fork or whisk, stir together until smooth.

4. Slowly pour coffee/chocolate mixture into the dry ingredients in large bowl. Stir until well incorporated. Mixture will be stiff and grainy.

5. Add mayonnaise, egg and vanilla extract to cake batter. Stir until all white of mayonnaise has disappeared and batter is smooth.

6. Pour batter into prepared baking dish and place in oven. Bake until skewer comes out clean. About 30-35 minutes. Allow to cool completely in pan until frosting.

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Roasted Cauliflower with Texas Pete Whipped Feta

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Roasted Cauliflower with Whipped Feta

Things I Learned This Week Living In The South: 

1. There is a Mennonite woman in Chuckey Tennessee who goes by "Auntie Ruth" and makes a donut the size of my head that could launch the second Trojan War. I drove one hour for one of these donuts and would do it daily if my scale wouldn't judge me. 

2. I found a profound sense of relief knowing that one of my backup hairdressers can handle herself, while 7 months pregnant, on the laser tag field against an army of teenager boys from the local youth group. "Die mutherf*ckers!" was screamed as her hair (as close to God as it can get) didn't move. 

3. Though Beyonce was referencing a baseball bat, I have started to actually carry hot sauce in bag swag. About a year and a half late I have brought Texas Pete into my home. Thankfully they make bottles in all shapes and sizes. So no, I am not happy to see you. That is a bottle of Texas Pete in my pocket. 

Pictured above - roasted cauliflower wedges with a trio of whipped feta. From right to left. Ranch, Texas Pete, and classic with black pepper.  

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NEED MORE TALES OF MY LIFE FROM THE SOUTH? CHECK OUT ANOTHER MISADVENTURE AT MY HAIR SALON HERE!

NEED MORE CHEESE IN YOUR LIFE? ONE WEEKEND I MOLDED CHEESE INTO THE SHAPE OF AN OWL. READ ABOUT HERE!

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