Jam Jars and How I Keep Time

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While the last 20 days have been anything but ideal I have still managed to keep my wits about me (save for that impromptu tattoo I got last weekend). Time does march on. 

I believe only one friend knows this about me. But I keep tabs on my time here on this planet with empty jam jars. Specifically Bonne Mamen Preserve jars. This week I finished off a jar of Mango Peach Preserves. As I washed out the jar to put it away I couldn't help but think of the past weeks and working my way though it. I don't care to spread all my news out there like Page 6 but I will share a few things I've learned these past few weeks. 

Things I've Learned These Past Few Weeks Living In The South: 

1. There is a medium who speaks to dead people operating her business just four blocks from my home. I am at once intrigued and terrified every time I walk by her storefront. 

2. Friendships reach new levels when one is asked to escort another to an adult themed store to buy a blow up doll for their significant other. Just to prove a point.  

3. There is a women somewhere out in the world who has her husband's name tattooed on her "special place". She also did that to prove a point. And in the end she won that argument. 

FOR MORE ON WHAT I'VE LEARNED WHILE LIVING IN THE COLONIES

PUPPY CHOW AND THE LOVE OF THE SOUTH

FRIED GRITS AND 'TWANG'

PANTIES AND TOMATO SANDWICHES

Carne Caliente, Carnies and Comedy by Stefon

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clearly not my photo from UNION - than you Crave Blog...also note the puzzle man lingering beyond the stapler act

clearly not my photo from UNION - than you Crave Blog...also note the puzzle man lingering beyond the stapler act

Time sensitive post here fans! I feel a little like Stefon from SNL with the latest greatest club in Minneapolis.  

Last night as I was in the midst of match making myself with a gentleman caller and I was challenged with planning a date that was better than "lukewarm". I found myself lazily surfing the interwebs (pre date-I'm not a douche) to see what this cold metropolis had to offer on a Friday night.  

Luckily I hit the jackpot with two options. 

First - an all ladies arm wrestling match at a dive bar in SE MPLS

Second - a tattoo convention at a downtown hotel

Again being slightly lazy I didn't want to figure out how to get to the dive bar in SE MPLS so opted for the tattoo convention (bonus selling point...on the entertainment line up was a little person with no arms and two hands where his arms would be. Keep in mind the ad said nothing of talent.  Just a picture of him).  

After meeting my date at the hotel bar we wandered into the convention hall. I slid the ticket seller our money and she kindly complimented our outfits (I'm sure it had nothing to do with the cold hard cash I just slipped her and everything to do with the wooden tie bar I was sporting).  Upon entering the main exhibit hall we immediately heard a roar of applause and awe. So naturally we followed. And thank God we didn't dawdle. We arrived just in time to see said little person on stage with his fellow "entertainer".  Please see the above photos to check out the dolla dolla bills being stapled, yes stapled, to the man on stage.  

The next act was straight out of the carnival circuit. We're talking the stuff you didn't see in Water For Elephants. Chainsaws were involved, sword swallowing, amazing punny jokes and a man completely covered head to toe in tattoos that looked like puzzle pieces.  

GO GO GO to the Minneapolis Tattoo Arts Convention this weekend!

http://www.villainarts.com/

Here is the food news of the night...

Sadly I have to report that King and I Thai of Minneapolis is no longer with us. I was jonesing for some serious 1980's-ish dining experience with some wonderful food and drinks. And like the nail through the nasal cavity of the puzzle man I was brought to my knees when I was told King and I closed. 

So my second option was UNION on Hennepin. I have now been there three times. Each time has been better than the last. I've twice now had the UNION burger. It's probably one of the best burgers I've had in town. And you know I love hot meat in my mouth. This burger (medium rare for you true burger lovers) has some nice American Cheddar, ample pickles, secret sauce (I'm calling it secret and just hoping the waiter didn't...all over my burger), fried onions, bibb lettuce and a poppy seed bun. 

The savory donut holes were wonderful the first time, only pretty good the second time. There's bacon and cheese involved. Not standard state fair fare.  

On the salad front you need to pull on your big boy panties and try the frisee salad without ham. Frisee is a great alternative to EVERY OTHER DAMN SALAD you've had in the last 6 months.  

I bathed in the fig spread from the cheese platter. 

And wanted to start a picc line for my malbec wine just to get it a little faster.  

TO RECAP: 

You must go to the downtown Hyatt this weekend to watch people get tattoos and see what a real carnival show is like. 

Second - give Union a chance. If anything we love them because you can make reservations for the enclosed rooftop dining room on Opentable.com.  

And for fun here is the best of Stefon -