Tomato Sandwich

Tomato Sandwich

Things I Learned This Week Living In The South: 

1. If you find yourself in a cab with no way to pay the fare, you can pay with a pair of panties. And it's not dirty if you make the driver turn his head and not watch you take them off. Just leave them in door with the gum wrappers.  

2. Tomatoes are held in high regard here. Like false god status. I wish I were kidding but I am not. With tomato season comes tomato sandwiches, which I at first scoffed at, but have now had three in two days. 

3. Tomato sandwiches are best eaten with Bunny or Merita White Bread (think Wonder Bread but 1000 times better), Duke's Mayonnaise, and a garden fresh tomato. Salt and pepper to taste.  




BATTENBERG CAKE

Battenberg Cake

Things that happened this weekend, the Fourth of July, 2016: 

1. I got a haircut while drinking a canned white wine spritzer.

2. I "played" my first game of strip poker with a Hair Stylist, a Brewmaster, a Lesbian, and an Executive Chef. Thankfully my days at J Crew taught me well and I was well layered even on a 90+ degree day. 

3. I attended a Miss Gay North Carolina prelim. It was Drop Dead Gorgeous meets Priscilla Queen of the Desert. One queen had a broken arm. Sadly she didn't win. 

4. At a pool party I watched a fully grown British Man with a tramp stamp do a medley of Tina Turner hits while wearing a soaking wet fedora and holding a Chambong (a champagne flute fitted like a beer bong). Look it up. You won't be sorry. 

And it was this same British Man with a tramp stamp that got me into the kitchen this past week. Some time ago at a random meeting in my small Southern city his request for a Battenberg Cake was made. Given that his girlfriend is in charge of my current hair management system (aka helping me embrace my follicle shortcomings) I thought it best to see what I could do. 

With our Independence Day approaching I thought no better time to make this classic British dessert. I figured the poor man not only has a tramp stamp (for an honorable famille reason so we really do appreciate it) but here he was in a country that, over 200 years ago, put his country in a corner, like Baby.  

CHECK OUT THIS OLDY BUT GOODY ABOUT MY COOKBOOK DESIRES, CEMETERY SHENANIGANS, AND FORMER 4th OF JULY FUN


BATTENBERG CAKE

RECIPE INSPIRED BY BBC FOODS



Puppy Chow and How I Have Learned To Love The South

Puppy Chow

My adult moment this week involved a canned wine spritzer, a service dog named Dotty, and a stranger. All of those things, including the adult moment, took place at the hair salon I visit monthly for (non sexual) human contact, beard trimmings, and now canned wine spritzers. 

As is my nature I arrived early to this month's hair cut. It's a familiar place decorated with old North Carolina barn wood, taxidermied moose, a foosball table, foul language, leather chairs, and a service dog named Dotty asleep in the corner. Located in an old store front just one block off main street and next to a strip club that only opens when the owner feels it is time to piss off the local chamber.

Upstairs is a lounge for special customers. A pieced together room of antique store finds and flat paneled technology of the future. Leather sofas line one wall. A card table in the corner. Tobacco memorabilia on the wall that still somehow works as advertising. You cannot help but feel like a club member of a bygone era. This sweaty afternoon it was host to two older men in bermuda shorts, the air of cigar, and a dirty joke. After they left I was warned one of them likes to kiss everyone in the room on the forehead as he leaves if he's had just the right amount of whiskey.  

A stranger to me was getting his haircut as I waited. A young man who spoke with a tired voice. He was going on about the struggles of fatherhood and the arrival of a third child. Without hesitations and with the swiftness of her shears the hairdresser doled out encouragement and advice. Assuring the young man it would all work out in the end. The best of her advice being a story about her own mother raising three kids with the story ending with, "I'm pretty sure she beat the ass of that day care lady that day. And we never went back to daycare again. I love my momma." 

It was at that moment as I sat canned wine spritzer in hand that I thought how lucky I was to be here today. Though unfortunate as that young man's story is, it added to the colorful narrative of my life in The South. 

This week I have learned of the hooker who worked out of the local waffle house that burned down. Word is she has taken up residence in a neighboring town's waffle house. I have had a glass of wine with a former debutante, while discussing her conservative views and fear of Donald Trump. I have watched a soccer match in a bar full of scarf wearing transplants. I participated in a nerve wracking game of credit card roulette where the loser buys the entire round for all participating. I listened in on a heated debate about where to buy the best chili and slaw for a cookout (only if God forbid you cannot make it yourself). 

I have somehow stumbled into a mash up world of Steel Magnolias/In The Garden of Good and Evil. I am a John Kelso from up North waiting with baited breath for the next Lady Chablis to turn the corner. I am eager to sit next to Clariee in hopes to hear about latest neighborhood gossip. I have my beard trimmed by a modern day Truvy. 

But deep down my inner (and  let's face it sometimes outer) pudgy gay boy only heard one thing while at the hair salon that day. Dotty the service dog somehow got into some store bought "puppy chow" and did it not agree with her. So canned wine spritzer in hand I made the mental note of "pick up Rice Chex at the grocery store tomorrow Benjamin. It's a binge worthy weekend." 


Chex Muddy Buddies (sometimes called...)

Recipe by General Mills



Relationship Goals with my CSA

Relationship Goals. 

My CSA arrived again on Friday. And again I am feeling pressured. 

Thankfully I just had (half?) a bottle of rosé to help. I'm thinking the bowl of mini wheats for breakfast is plenty base for my wine.

I'm going to walk home now. 

Who orders this much arugula?!?!

I do.

WHYYYYYY?

A....R....U....G....U....L....A.

I love that word.  

Some woman just cat called me on the street complimenting my cardigan. Hello Hipster Woman. If I was into kitty kats I would totally stop and share my rose. Maybe. But I'm not into kitty's.  

She probably likes cabbage.

I like cucumbers. Persian (they're curved). Not the hothouse ones. Too skinny.  

Dammit the kabobs place is closed. Maybe the Mediterranean place is open.

NOPE. Hello...there is a qualifying bike race AND park concert happening two blocks away Mediterranean place! Your loss.  

I'll just fry an egg when I get home. With arugula.  And wine.   

Post. Post. Post. Opps. I mean publish. Wait...gotcha.  



Golden Girls, (Oprah's) Gratitude Moments, and Gettin' Old

Condoms Rose! Condoms! Condoms! Condoms!

This week I celebrated a birthday somewhere in my 30s. I have never been a fan of my birthday. I don't know if it is the extra attention directed at myself when I would much rather be directing it toward others. I don't think it is the impending doom of old age as I distinctly recall not enjoying my birthday as young as six. There is even photo evidence of myself crying at multiple venues over the years. Tears at McDonald's. Tears at Chuck E. Cheese. Tears at the Edgewater West Hotel pool party (and I even had my name on the marquee!). 

For years I kept a paper calendar full of birthdays of everyone I knew. That has long been traded in for Facebook. I get daily reminders of who was born when. There is a series of "HBD" and posted quips. And usually the gentle reminder of how that person came to be a "friend". It's funny to think that for one second you cross the mind of all those people you're friends with. Perhaps even someone you've only met once. 

This year there were no tears. Perhaps I am a little more dead inside. Perhaps I have grown wiser. Perhaps there was not enough wine or orange soda. 

There was however an outpouring of kindness. And I think for the first time in a long time I was able to appreciate the sentiment behind the phrase "happy birthday". This birthday was unique in that I am a year into my new home in The South. I have made a new division of friends. And my expectations of the day were altered due to other unexpected forces. It was going to be just another Thursday. Yet surprises were made. Salutations in abundance. And the sentiment was well received, if not well needed. 

When I arrived home that evening I was in one of those Oprah gratitude moments. Allowing myself to be grateful for the friends I have. And hopeful for any new friends to come. Also at this time I opened a gift from two friends back in Minnesota. A coffee mug with a quote from the classic television show The Golden Girls. Undoubtedly one of the greatest shows about friendship that has ever graced American television. I laughed until I almost cried. 

So perhaps all those years ago the tears at McDonald's or Chuck E.Cheese were overwhelming tears of appreciation. Maybe my 6 year old self wasn't emotionally intelligent enough to process the whole situation. Or maybe someone just stole my damn chicken McNuggets. 

Thank you to all who wished me well, blessed me with gifts, and reminded me why we take that chance and talk to new people.