"Church", Cookie Sandwiches, and Camp Candy

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 This is the point where I thought "better get a picture before it's all stored in my moobs".

Hey Y'all! My conversion to a Southern Belle is happening slowly. And since we last kibbutz'd I have spent many hours practicing my "y'all", "bless her heart" and general use of the term "church" for anything to do when not at the office. As in, "oh it's five on a Wednesday. I gotta head to church". I'm fairly certain that means they are going home to watch The Big Bang Theory because the next day I never hear updates as to what happened at "church".

When not at work I have continued to spend my time roaming the highways and byways of this still Winter Brown state. Though the lack of snow and cold has been wonderful, I would kill for some winter wonderland to come in for a day or two and cover up all the mud I'm looking at.

So to console myself from the tremendous loss of friends, family and Perkins I have taken to food and basketball. Please don't act shocked. We all know I love food and a few of you know that I love physical activity involving balls. So when I am not at work or court side I am looking for my next feeding.

And here is this weeks restaurant recommendations should you come visit me. Which nobody has yet. I keep a damn clean apartment folks. I'm not like those other dudes who don't clean a toilet seat.

Back to the food -

Lunch yesterday found me at a little hole in the wall across from a video rental store (I assume with good Christian based family movies). The First Carolina Delicatessen is a New York style deli that has been serving the Greensboro area for 20 years. Simple wood paneling and a giant wooden statue of a woman with sagging bresticles makes one feel right at home when inhaling two Kosher hot dogs with hotly debated Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray Soda. For some short reading on the love it or hate it following this celery flavored soda has take a peek here.

Clearly surrounded by Southerns with a refined enough palate to appreciate Hebrew National Hotdogs I fell in love with this place. At a short 20 minutes away it is well worth the drive. 

Second on my sojourn of food yesterday brought me to Maxie B's Bakery and Dessert Cafe, also located in Greensboro. If you ignore the Shabby Chic/Surprise By Design look of the cafe and focus on the 20+ cakes they had to choose from you'll be just fine. With a line out the door on a Saturday dinner crowd you would think I could handle the pressure of choosing what to take home. Oh hell no. I was just inches away from the tween behind the counter kindly demanding my order when I crumbled and ordered a slice (the size of a baby's head) of Pink Lemonade Cake and a nice side of Chocolate Chip Cookie Sandwich. 

I'm presently writing this from my bunk at fat camp. I ate a salad for dinner last night. Chased it with some cake and a La Croix (cuz I'm healthy). Woke up to some Scooby Doo on Boomerang, more cake and coffee (cuz I'm sophisticated). Reorganized my pantry. Had another salad for lunch (see previous note on health consciousness) and proceeded to chase that petite melange with Chocolate Chip Cookies that bookend about two cups of frosting. 

So we can all just agree that I will become diabetic, republican and adept at shooting things while living here. And making frequent stops at First Carolina Deli and Maxie B's.

Gotta run. My camp counselor has found my stash of Mars Bars under my pillow. And for those of you who care my version of fat camp is Camp Candy.

 

 

Packing, Pall Malls and Prosciutto

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I know all three of you reading this think I am a horrible person. Neglecting you such as I have. It's been at least three maybe four years since my last post. Or three months. Who is counting?

I have excuses though!

Valid reasons as to why I have not sat down and waxed poetic of my food adventures, love affairs and madcappery. Just give me a second to think of the most sincere sounding one.

Okay I apologize. I have just been plain uninspired.

And multiple big things have been happening.

First and maybe most important (because it's all about me) I am leaving the great state of Minnesota. I will give you time to compose yourself. I know it's a shock to everyone's system.

But yes. I am moving.

I am giving up on snow and heading to the now even greater state (because I'm moving there) of North Carolina. My roll at the underwear megalith that employes me has changed. I will now be in the glamorous world of sock design. And before you ask in that almost condescending way "is there a lot that goes into designing a sock?" Remember I may feed you at some point. And I watch a lot if CSI Miami and Murder She Wrote. Hiding a body is not a challenge to me.

Back to me.

My Minnesota visa expires later this month and I will then be reporting from tobacco country. Please stay tuned for my shenanigans involving fried chicken, Pall Mall's and republicans.

Now on to the food portion of my food blog.

A while back SAGL and I made a house decision to go all Oprah and live life to the fullest. Which really means we made plans to visit our dear friend and confidant Ms. Antipasto for a fete to end all fetes in Plymouth Massachusetts at the start of December. This party is co hosted by an Italian immigrant and her husband who I'm certain was one of the Car Talk guys. This party is so exclusive it involves eVites (we really need to bring that back).

So in preparation for this extravaganza I basically planned on eating nothing but salads and laxatives for weeks. Luckily the salads were more satisfying and I stuck to that daily menu.

Back to the party.

The scene was set in what can only be described as a glamorous set of a Murder She Wrote serial killer made for TV mini series. This village within a village has everything you need to never expose yourself to outsiders. Beautifully nestled in the Cape adjacent woodland we settled in for a weekend of massive caloric intake and old fashioned Christmas hi-jinks (drinking egg nog with biscotti liquor).

While there I found my soul mate in a 60 something Italian mother of two who may or may not be a hobbit. Her stealth like jabs at her daughter and coma inducing lasagna are legendary throughout New England. Don't cross this woman or JB Fletcher will be banking off your demise.

All in all best damn holiday party I have ever been too. And I hope to hell Ms. Antipasto eVites me back (as I check my inbox daily for the golden ticket).

Now I am sure you are wondering "what the hell happened to your New Year's resolution to try a new restaurant a month?".

Unbunch your panties. I've kept up on it. Mostly.

SAGL and I took advantage of our time in the greater Boston area and forced friends old and new to gather in our glory while traveling.

First in an intimate grouping we lunched at Russell House Tavern. This subterranean delight was fine by me because I was able to catch up on my hometown's Motorcross that somehow made it on the bar tv. I was only slightly distracted from my cheese platter of love by the classy chick who thought it was sexy to share her bra straps with the whole of Christendom (and this Jew). But lets get real. Cute atmosphere, cheese platters and wine. I'm sold.

About two hour later we needed to feed again. Recall the month of salads?

Our dinner was provided to us by the cheerful staff at Catalyst. Lets start by talking about reservations. We made one. When we arrived they asked if we had one. When we sat down I was glad to see we had our choice of almost any table in the restaurant. Beggars can't be choosers.

The menu was simple and tasteful but our little group of six was left too long to ponder. And with that, minds changed about a 1000 times. I naturally settled on a burger. My staple on which I judge all chefs.

Personally the jury is still out on Catalyst. I need to go back. And we all know that it will be closed or re-imagined by the time I get out there.

In a nutshell that is why I've been absent online.

With only a few days left in Minneapolis now is your chance to say goodbye to me, confess your love to me, or tell me F-off. I'm really counting on the Meg Ryan confess you love me scenario playing out.

I'll check in once I settle in North Carolina.

State Fair Recap, Saucy Detectives, and (Flavor) Saver

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I tried to ask the man about the bung hole. But he was busy with another man's bung hole. And because she deserves it...Angela Lansbury.

I tried to ask the man about the bung hole. But he was busy with another man's bung hole. And because she deserves it...Angela Lansbury.

Well it has been years and years and years since my last post. At least according to my mother. So where have I been? Well let me tell you. Nowhere. I have been busy at work and Surprise By Designing the roommate's house. I have been running. Yes running. Can you believe it? Why no one told me of this cheap therapy years ago I'll never understand! And I was AT THE MINNESOTA STATE FAIR!!!! 

I know it is eons past when I should have posted this. But given my mother is the only reader and she wasn't planning on hitting up the Great Minnesota Get Together this year I got lazy. And maybe sucked into a horrid love affair with Murder, She Wrote on Netflix. That Angela Lansbury is a saucy detective.  

So let's quick talk about The Minnesota State Fair. As many of you might recall I was in an abusive relationship with the fair. Or at least in a relationship with someone who abused my first few real experiences at the fair. Like Meredith Baxter would have to play me in my Lifetime Fair Movie. It wasn't until I was in a safe house with my roommate did I know the fair could be fun. And this year proved to be the bees knees (God save the bees). 

I was accompanied this year by my usual State Fair Guidance Counselor, his sister and her husband. There was mild judgement from the brother in law as he has WI blood in him. Poor thing. But great times were had. Hell they brought floss. That is friggin' Girl Scout prepared for the fair.  

This year I can safely say I had no NEW food on a stick. In fact, I was glad to hear that only four of the 20+ new items were on a stick. I went with a small list of things to try. Really wanting to just have a good time and take it all in. That's not to say I didn't eat. I'm still picking corn kernels out of my beard.  As Baby Mama says, "bigger the beard closer to God."

Quick recap before you dive in to the pictures. I am already looking forward to next year. It doesn't have to be about all new food on a stick. Or walking so much you mildly chafe (okay that happens every year). But it does have to involve some sort of meat in my mouth. 

Enjoy the pictures. Judge away. And tell me what I missed! I need to try something new next year. But just not everything new.  

Pickles for breakfast. I needed a base. 

Pickles for breakfast. I needed a base. 

I have no f'ing clue what I'm putting in my mouth. And sadly that is not the first time I've said that. 

I have no f'ing clue what I'm putting in my mouth. And sadly that is not the first time I've said that. 

If you have never had a Scotch Egg you are living a lie. 

If you have never had a Scotch Egg you are living a lie. 

Someone just said, "Open up. It's creamy."

Someone just said, "Open up. It's creamy."

 

Pavlov's Dog.  

Fried Chicken with Gravy in a waffle cone PLUS Blue Cheese Corn Fritters. I died. 

Fried Chicken with Gravy in a waffle cone PLUS Blue Cheese Corn Fritters. I died. 

There is part of a bison in that bun. Then in me. And later that night...not in me. 

There is part of a bison in that bun. Then in me. And later that night...not in me. 

Flavor Saver. 

Flavor Saver. 

As always there is more than just food at the Minnesota State Fair. As always there is a camera to capture it

1. She is the top lounge chair salesperson in the region. All business. Save for the party in the back.2. The Rainbow Kids are the gay 4H kids. I have not missed this show in 3 years.3. There was a deer stand just to the lef…

1. She is the top lounge chair salesperson in the region. All business. Save for the party in the back.

2. The Rainbow Kids are the gay 4H kids. I have not missed this show in 3 years.

3. There was a deer stand just to the left of the ladies. 

This poor soul on the left thought it was Coachella. And this Sequined Goddess brought in her own tallboy. I gave her my number. 

This poor soul on the left thought it was Coachella. And this Sequined Goddess brought in her own tallboy. I gave her my number. 

Blue Man Group clearly had budget cuts. And the couple on the right is my future. And I own it. I'm the one in the pink hat. My roommate will be using the cane. Off camera are our friends in scooters.

Blue Man Group clearly had budget cuts. And the couple on the right is my future. And I own it. I'm the one in the pink hat. My roommate will be using the cane. Off camera are our friends in scooters.

Rusty Griswold's, Rhubarb Poppy Seed Cake, and ROLF

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Hello Adult Russ Griswold. Would you like a slice of my cake?

Hello Adult Russ Griswold. Would you like a slice of my cake?

Another week has come and gone. With no plans this weekend I was a complete waste. I am bloated, tired and achy.  

Oh dear I can't even type that with a straight face.

I am young, hung, and fabulous! What do the kids say these days? Rolling on the floor laughing? Jesus they don't make anything simple anymore do they?

So this weekend was busy. I got together with Work Wife and my new friend Cool Mom on Friday. Cool Mom is cool because she planned the ultimate European vacation for her kids recently. And it didn't involve going on Pig in a Poke. If you don't get that reference just shut your browser down now.  I openly admit to having a crush on all Rusty Griswold's save for that one in European Vacation. It has nothing to do with that scary scene with all the half naked women.  

Anyway the three of us went all out and had our Tarot Cards read. Needless to say I have a bright future. Anybody can have a bright future if you tip the card reader well enough.  

I followed that mini-adventure with a hot wedding date with Baby Mama. We adventured over to East Minneapolis and caught up with some old work friends while others exchanged vows. Then we slipped out and wrapped up our classic Midwestern romantical night with a stop at Lynden Soda Fountain. Now back in my day the soda jerk didn't wear sweatpants and a crop top. But who am I to complain as I unhinged and inhaled my mint chocolate chip cone. Worth a stop if you found yourself on a road trip out East.  

Now today I am been busy around the house. I had a bee in my weave to get some chili made and bake a cake. So help me God I don't know why I did it on such a muggy day but I am sure this counts towards my step aerobics class down at the Young Men's Christian Association. I may be a Jew but I know those Catholic boys like to work it out.  

So the chili and cake are done. "WHAT IS THE CAKE?" I am sure you are screaming right now. Well I was busy this morning in bed Pinteresting and came across a recipe for Rhubarb Poppy Seed Doughnuts. That sounded good to me but I had no intention of getting the fryer going. And I have a dinner guest tomorrow night so a cake was more appropriate.

Having not been to the grocer in a while I had to Frankenstein a cake together. Here is what I created. Based on many cakes throughout time. So I stole it from no one in particular.  

Rhubarb Poppy Seed Cake

Don't binge eat the whole cake if you are getting drug tested at work any time in the near future.  

Peter's Dinklage, Perestroika with Pelmeni and (summer) Pastimes

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Peter Dinklage

Oy! I have been busy as of late. Work is out of control (top panties)! And my boyfriend, (first name) Net (last name) Flix has been demanding as all hell lately. I can barely get a good nights sleep without a poke in the back suggesting a double click before lights out. 

All that aside I have been bad at keeping my fans (my mother) up to date on my eating adventures in and around the great city of Minneapolis. Last month marked the 7th new (to me) restaurant and this month we tackled three under the guise of a LynLake bar crawl. 

Let's start with July - 

SAGL and I joined up with Sister, Sister's Husband, New Sister (Sister's Sister-in-Law), New Brother (Sister's Sister-in-Law's Husband), New Fake Brother (Sister's Sister-in-Law's Husband's Brother) and New Fake Brother's dinner friend (I'm not sure the status and didn't want to ask as I was mesmerized by 1. Her hair because I am that jealous bald queen and 2. Her ability to put up with New Fake Brother's restaurant needs and who also has hair I would make a deal with a Haitian doctor to get). Anyway we all went to Moscow On The Hill in East Minneapolis (aka St. Paul).

I've heard about this joint so many times that I finally made the trek over the river and through the woods to give it a chance (you think I am joking but you actually go over the river and through some woods). I've been leery of the Russian's ever since The Wall came down. Things felt safer during The Cold War. 

Many vodka based cocktails later we ordered based on The New Brother's suggestions. I will save you all from the turmoil and tell you to just go and order large amounts of the Siberian and Peasant Pelmeni. These dumplings were AMAZING (and I don't like to yell type unless it's serious). Get like one plate of each just for yourself and wear elastic waist pants. I honestly don't even recall what I had for dinner because over a month later I am still thinking of cramming my face with the dumplings.

On to August - 

Initially SAGL and I were going to attempt a rumored to be good lunch joint on the fringe of downtown Minneapolis. However, I got distracted last week when we both realized that along with Betsy Wetsy, we had a social calendar free weekend approaching. Naturally I suggested a bar/restaurant crawl.

You see a couple times a week I try to walk home from the office. I take a leisurely 4 mile hike down Lyndale Ave, one of Minneapolis's main drags. At one point you come across the LynLake neighborhood full of restaurants, a wig shop and a bondage store. I often wonder what the wig shop is like?

So last Friday, SAGL and I met up with Betsy Wetsy and proceeded to walk our way to as many happy hours as possible. We started at Heyday on 27th and Lyndale. This visually Pinterested restaurant was busy so we found our way to the bar. Simple craft cocktail menu with just as simple food menu pleased me. I don't like too many options when dining out. The Cheesecake Factory can keep its tome of a menu in the suburbs. With an extremely amiable bartender we tried two desserts (cheese and fruit platter was good along with the hazelnut and creme) and a couple cocktails. The highlight of the stop was our bartender's quick thinking of providing us with a dessert cocktail of Licor 43 and milk.I tend to leave my milk to Cocoa Pebbles but this was wonderful.

Onward!

Next stop was Marche inside the new Lime Condo Complex From Hell at The Greenway and Lyndale. This new eyesore has a bar-ish type lounge on the street level that looked inviting. At least the bartenders scruff looked inviting. That and the probably clean bathroom. Let's just say this is a great place for shiny fit people with money who want to live in a building that is named after fruit. We are pretty sure we watched a Grindr hookup happen in the lobby. Just saying $9 for a glass of brut ain't worth the dreamy eyed bartender. Who P.S. has his fiance sitting at the other end watching your every move.

And Upward! 

We next frogger our way across the street to Lago Tacos. Warned by our Patagonia Pants'd bartender at Marche that the tacos are only so so we decided to take a chance. And dammit if he wasn't right. Mine tasted like a Sesame Chicken Lean Cuisine in a corn tortilla. Thank God I had a large margarita to wash it down with.

As my companions agreed that we could have done better, we moved on.

At this point we needed to take a break. So we stopped at a local leather craftsmen boutique just off of Lyndale. Betsy Wetsy found a wonderful accent chair at a reasonable price. The young man working was even so kind as to demonstrate all the place one could use it. 

Well shit. At this point we have lost concentration and needed a break. That meant stopping at our unknowingly last stop, Spill The Wine (RIP as of 2016)

Some of you (assuming you are not my mother who doesn't live in Minneapolis) will recall Spill The Wine from its days down in The MillDistrict. It has since downsized and rebirthed itself on the corner of Bryant and Lyndale. AND I LOVE IT THERE! Yes I yelled that. (SAGL just text me from upstairs asking who I had over. I assured him I was just recapping on the the blog.)

As you know from last year's wine resolution, I love wine. And Spill The Wine has plenty of that. Upon our entrance we met a very well mannered sprite of a woman who kindly put me in my place (on a throne) and seated us outside. She was so well mannered (read: smart enough to keep up) that we invited her to join us. You see she repeatedly reminded us that she was off the clock but insisted on seating us as a kind gesture. I'm not certain but she may have made a kind gesture as I turned my back. 

Well before you knew it iCarli sat herself at the table just like that brazen Irishman did on Downton Abbey. You know Ireland is a third world country right? Bastards couldn't pick a team during The War. 

So we made a new friend! iCarli fit right in like Peter Dinklage in a revival of Wizard of Oz.

The wine was tasty. The cobbler was okay. Watching the three of us hit on the waiter was worth it.

Next on Two Birds One Scone...watch as I roll my bloated self from my bed to my cube for four more days. And then scramble to bake something for the blog. No I really will bake something next week.

Any suggestions?