Hummingbird Cake

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It's Thanksgiving time again!

Earlier this holiday season I found myself at the crossroads of Do I or Don't I go 'home for the holidays'. On one hand I was mentally waxing nostalgic about past Thanksgivings at home over the river and through the woods. On the other hand I was thinking I do not have it in me to be away from my current home for upwards of 3+ weeks (when factoring in Christmas/Hanukkah/New Years). 

So to ponder my options I put in the holiday classic To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar starring the forever missed Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes, John Leguizamo, and the most drag queen woman of them all Stockard Channing. How could I go wrong watching this epic of a travel/family story? This lead me down the online shame spiral of reading up on my previous Thanksgivings. I was able to pick my favorite. I won't disclose as to keep the infighting down to a minimum among my friends.  

It was around the time that Patrick Swayze's character, Vida Boheme, was kicking the ass of some abusive, drunk, country husband (while in heels and full makeup) I remembered my Thanksgiving Come To Jesus I had a few years back. My Thanksgiving tradition is change of venue! And this year I was again keeping with tradition. 

This afternoon I will be breaking bread with my hairdresser, her home goods haunted house loving mother, her doomsday prepper of a father, and any and all other cast of characters they have invited. 

To try and blend in with the natives I have decided to bring a Hummingbird Cake. Invented in Greensboro, North Carolina sometime last century I have been told it's a Southern classic. Imagine a giant banana bread cake covered in cream cheese frosting. Now that you have mouth orgasmed let's move on. 

Again with traditions...

To recap this Thanksgiving I am thankful for: 

1. The new friends who have embraced my dead heart and invited me into their homes for the holiday. 

2. The family who I know will always have a place for me when I decide to go home for Thanksgiving. 

3. Patrick Swayze and Stockard Channing teaching us that we are all drag queens.

4. And cream cheese. 

Hummingbird Cake

RECIPE ADAPTED FROM SOUTHERN LIVING

ingredients

1 cup chopped pecans

Vegetable cooking spray

Parchment paper

3 cups all-purpose flour

1 1/2 cups sugar

1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg

3 large eggs, lightly beaten

1 1/2 cups vegetable oil

1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

3 cups chopped bananas (about 4 medium bananas)

1 (8-oz.) can crushed pineapple in juice

instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350°. Roughly chop pecans and gently roast in saute pan on medium heat until slightly browned.

2. Coat 3 (9-inch) round cake pans with cooking spray. Line bottom of each pan with parchment paper; coat paper with cooking spray.

3. Whisk together flour, sugar, ground cinnamon, salt, baking soda, and nutmeg in a large bowl. Add eggs, oil, and vanilla, and stir just until dry ingredients are moistened. Fold in bananas, pineapple, and 1/2 cup pecans. (Batter will be very thick, more like banana bread batter than cake batter.) Spoon batter into prepared pans.

4. Bake at 350° for 28 to 30 minutes. Cool in pans on a wire rack 10 minutes. Remove from pans to wire rack, and cool completely (about 30 minutes). Peel off and discard parchment paper.

5. Place 1 cake layer on a cake stand or serving plate. Top with one-fourth of frosting. Repeat procedure once. Top with remaining cake layer. Spread remaining frosting over top and sides of cake. Garnish with remaining pecans.

Cream Cheese Frosting

RECIPE FROM ME AND SOME OTHER FRIENDS

ingredients

2 lbs powdered sugar

2 sticks butter, room temperature

1 - 8oz package cream cheese, room temperature

1/2 cup shortening

1/3 cup heavy cream

1 tsp vanilla extract

instructions

1. In stand mixer or large bowl with hand mixer, mix butter, cream cheese, and shortening until all incorporated.

2. Working one cup at a time, mix in powdered sugar.

3. Add vanilla extract and cream. Mix until smooth.

*note - you may reduce or add more cream to change thickness of frosting.

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WANT TO WALK DOWN THANKSGIVINGS PAST? CHECK OUT MY SHENANIGANS BELOW!

FRIENDS THANKSGIVING AND THANKSGIVUKKAH

TWIN PEAKS, THANKSGIVING, AND TRADITION

AL ROKER AND MY NYC PENTHOUSE THANKSGIVING

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Salted Caramel Ricotta Pancakes

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Salted Caramel Ricotta Pancakes

It was a busy week down here in The South. The factory was abuzz all week long with socks flying everywhere. The town was bustling with Pride and homecoming this weekend. And naturally my mind turned to Thanksgiving.

As the Queer community and its allies descended upon our tiny town I hunkered down with friends to watch the parade while sipping mimosas out of well worn insurance themed coffee mugs. There was a heated game of spoons happening. Where you throw a spoon into the street and drink every time a car hits it. Shots were taken whenever a car with a Drag Queen hit a spoon. And there was a revealing moment when I realized my back up back up back up hairdresser was once on tv's Survivor. She later proved her alliance to me as she put some fellow gays in their place after they felt it was okay to talk shit about my hometown, despite my just stating where I was from. 

I am sure you are wondering how Thanksgiving comes into play. Well as it should happen I packed my man handbag for the day with all possible outcomes considered. The contents were as follows: 

1. One bottle of Trader Joe's Blanc de Blancs

2. One box of water crackers. You never know when you need a snack. 

3. Two apples

4. My passport

5. Floss (in case of apple consumption)

6. Two cans of La Croix to stay hydrated

7. Food and Wine November 2016 edition (in case the parade got boring...it didn't)

During the slow moments of the parade I started making lists of potential foods to serve for Thanksgiving this year. As I will be dining alone on this most sacred of food holidays I have had to alter my menu so as to not drown in a sea of left overs. With the holiday still over a month away I have the opportunity to test a few recipes before letting them get to the final elimination round. 

This year I have also decided to include a Black Friday Breakfast. I will not be at the malls, but I will be in my nap jeans having a nice breakfast watching the fools on tv at the malls. This talk of breakfast had started earlier in the week while having a chat with another food enabler friend of mine. He posited the idea of using our favorite coffee creamer in a waffle or french toast. 

Not having a waffle maker or bread in the house, but having a large container of ricotta cheese I landed on Salted Caramel Ricotta Pancakes. Needless to say I am bloated and full on some damn tasty pancakes while hoping those Drag Queens from yesterday knew we were cheering for them as well as the spoons.  

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Salted Caramel Ricotta Pancakes

RECIPE INSPIRED BY THE KITCHN (WITH SOME CHANGES BY ME)

ingredients

1 cup ricotta cheese

1 cup all-purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1 1/2 tablespoons granulated sugar

1/4 teaspoon fine salt

3/4 cup Salted Caramel Flavored All Natural Coffee Creamer

2 large eggs, separated

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Butter, for cooking

instructions

Whisk together in medium bowl dry ingredients of flour, baking powder, sugar and salt. Set aside.

In larger bowl mix together ricotta, creamer, egg yolks, and vanilla. Combine with dry ingredients and stir together until incorporated.

Using a hand mixer or your own brute strength whip egg whites until stiff peaks form in separate bowl.

Stir in roughly 1/3 cup of whipped egg whites into pancake batter to loosen it up.

Gently fold in remaining egg whites with rubber spatula until no streaks of egg whites remain.

Melt a small amount of butter on a griddle preheated over medium-high heat. Using a 1/3 cup measuring cup pour pancake batter onto the hot griddle. Cook pancake roughly 3 minutes or until bubbles start to pop on top. Flip pancake and continue to cook until golden brown, roughly another 2-3 minutes.

Repeat with remaining pancake batter.

Serve with desired toppings. Suggestions include but are not limited to, maple syrup, powdered sugar, caramel drizzle with whipped cream. Or just straight out of the freezer at 3 am while contemplating life's choices.

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FOR MORE SOUTHERN BREAKFAST FUN CHECK OUT THIS RECIPE FOR SWEET GRIT CAKES

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BATTENBERG CAKE

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Battenberg Cake

Things that happened this weekend, the Fourth of July, 2016: 

1. I got a haircut while drinking a canned white wine spritzer.

2. I "played" my first game of strip poker with a Hair Stylist, a Brewmaster, a Lesbian, and an Executive Chef. Thankfully my days at J Crew taught me well and I was well layered even on a 90+ degree day. 

3. I attended a Miss Gay North Carolina prelim. It was Drop Dead Gorgeous meets Priscilla Queen of the Desert. One queen had a broken arm. Sadly she didn't win. 

4. At a pool party I watched a fully grown British Man with a tramp stamp do a medley of Tina Turner hits while wearing a soaking wet fedora and holding a Chambong (a champagne flute fitted like a beer bong). Look it up. You won't be sorry. 

And it was this same British Man with a tramp stamp that got me into the kitchen this past week. Some time ago at a random meeting in my small Southern city his request for a Battenberg Cake was made. Given that his girlfriend is in charge of my current hair management system (aka helping me embrace my follicle shortcomings) I thought it best to see what I could do. 

With our Independence Day approaching I thought no better time to make this classic British dessert. I figured the poor man not only has a tramp stamp (for an honorable famille reason so we really do appreciate it) but here he was in a country that, over 200 years ago, put his country in a corner, like Baby.  

CHECK OUT THIS OLDY BUT GOODY ABOUT MY COOKBOOK DESIRES, CEMETERY SHENANIGANS, AND FORMER 4th OF JULY FUN

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BATTENBERG CAKE

RECIPE INSPIRED BY BBC FOODS

INGREDIENTS

For The Cake:

6 oz softened butter, plus extra for greasing

6 oz granulated sugar

3 large eggs

6 oz all purpose flour

1 1/4 tsp baking powder

1/8 tsp kosher salt

1/2 tsp vanilla extract

red food coloring

For The Covering:

6 Tbsp apricot jam

1 lb 2 oz Marzipan

2-3 Tbsp powdered sugar, for rolling

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 375F.

2. Grease an 8" square baking dish with butter.

3. Take a 12"x8" strip of parchment paper and make a 3" fold in the center. This will work as a divider in the cake so the two differently colored batters can be baked at the same time.

4. Line the baking dish with parchment, keeping the divider in the center.

5. Put the butter, eggs, flour, baking powder, salt, and vanilla in a food processor and pulse until well combined.

6. Divide the batter equally between two medium mixing bowls.

7. Add a small drop of red food coloring to one bowl and fold into the batter until desired color is obtained.

8. Spoon the cake batters into each side of the prepared baking dish and smooth the surface of the batter with a spatula.

9. Bake in the center of of the oven about 25 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean. Allow to cool for 10 minutes. Then run a knife around the edge and turn cake out onto wire rack.

10. To assemble cake, trim off crusty edges so they are both the same size. Then cut the sponges in half lengthwise to make four long rectangles.

11. Warm the apricot jam in small saucepan, then press through a sieve.

12. Brush the long side of one of the cakes with jam and sandwich together with a contrasting colored cake. Repeat this with the other two cakes. Sandwich the two pairs of cakes together to create a checkerboard and brush the top and sides with jam.

13. Place the marzipan on a surface dusted with powdered sugar. Roll out into a rectangle about 16"x10". It should be large enough to cover cake completely, leaving both ends exposed. Marzipan should be about 1/4" thick.

14. Turn the cake upside down on the marzipan and brush the bottom with jam.

15. Wrap the marzipan around the cake, pressing it on the surface of the cake. Press the edges together to make a seam.

16. Turn back over the cake with the seam underneath, trim a thin slice off each end and place on serving platter.

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Super Bowl Party Friends, Shaped Cheese Balls, and Sitting in Dog Sh!t

Misshapen but bacon covered Super Bowl Cheese Ball

One year ago on this national holiday that is the Super Bowl I stood at the elevator outside my apartment door debating whether or not to attend the building sponsored party being held in the pimped out lounge. I hesitated, because at my age (early to late 30s), I already have a set a friends I told myself. Making new friends isn't always easy past...well whenever. That aside, the guilt set in as I had promised my mother I would go and I had maybe told that bright eyed leasing agent the day before "oh suuuuure I'll come", wink wink. 

One year has gone by and I just wrapped up my football shaped cheese ball to bring to this year's party. You know I love a shaped cheese ball. Check out my last one here. 

How painful was that first Super Bowl party in the lounge? On a scale of 1 to 10 I would say I have had gas pains worse than my experience feigning interest in a sport I know nothing about while trying not to binge eat the questionable crudite that was on display.

However, in the end I met a few people. People who over the course of the subsequent year have become great friends. And even though there are days that I am convinced I live in a college dorm, I find great relief when I pull in at the end of a hard day knowing that two floors down, around the corner, or across the hall I have people I can count on.

When I think of football I instantly go back to that rainy day at Woodland Junior High playing touch football with 30 of my never to be seen again friends. That day as I, well basically moved in some direction, slipped on the wet grass and landed flat on my backside. This story only really hits home the next day when I went to go get my still damp gym clothes out of my locker and realized that what I had really slipped in was a big ol' pile of dog shit. Imagine that smell. Not my usual Gautier Le Male. 

If you had asked me anytime before I sat down to write this I would have told you team sports have done nothing to me in the way of friendships. Nobody offered me fresh clothes to wear the day I marinated in poo. I don't recall any of my badminton partners. Nor my square dance partners. And where I come from square dancing is a team sport.

All over the internet there are articles about the benefits of team sports and building friendships that last lifetimes. It may only be one year in, but I hope the friendships forged at last years Super Bowl party last a lifetime. And if I have to I will bribe them all with cheese balls. 

Bacon Cheddar Ranch Football Cheese Ball

RECIPE MORPHED FROM VARIOUS ONLINE RESOURCES

INGREDIENTS

2 - 16 Oz Packages Philadelphia Cream Cheese (room temperature)

1 Packet Ranch Dip Seasoning

1/4 Cup Shredded Sharp Cheddar Cheese

3 Tablespoons Pimentos

1/2 lb Bacon of choice

Shredded Mozzarella

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Mix together cream cheese, ranch dip seasoning, shredded cheddar cheese,and pimentos.

2. Shape into football on serving platter, cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 1 hour to overnight.

3. While cheese is setting up in refrigerator cook 1/2 lb bacon until crispy. When done, set on paper towels to absorb excess grease. When cooled crumble bacon into larger pieces.

4. Let cheese come to room temperature and then gently cover football with bacon crumbles.

5. Using small pieces of shredded mozzarella create the "laces" of the football.

6. Mingle.

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Forced Family, Forced Fun, and Forced Fed

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RH Buffet 2015

It's Rosh Hashanah time again! 

For all you Jebliers (Jesus fans) out there that means today is the Jewish New Year and the start of our holiday season. It's one of two times a year you have to go all American Ninja Warrior at temple to get a seat. 

Unfortunately this year I am not physically close enough to my blood family to force them into eating my food and pushing my Jew-bulousness (Jew Fabulousness) upon them. I am also not physically near my Jew Bestie Forever and her family to get my Russian Jew fix. 

Fortunately for me I am in a living situation surrounded by new friends who are willing to eat whatever I put in front of them with the promise of alcohol. So this year I forced all my new Southern friends to come over to my pied a terre where I filled what little counter space with all the cheeses. All of them.

This week I spent my down time scouring cookbooks and stalking middle aged female celebrity chefs online. Then two days ago I had a Me Moment with my platters. I hadn't spent any one on one time with my platters for months. So like a good 80's romantic evening I lit some candles, put on a Carly Simon album, poured a La Croix, and reacquainted myself with all my favorite lovers. After a few hours I totally started to understand the point of view of the mother from Flowers in The Attic. Some of my lovers ended up back in the pantry with the promise to see the light of a buffet table at a later date.

Starting early on Saturday I got to work with what I feel covers everything a Southern Jew Rosh Hashanah Brunch needs. Needless to say finding smoked salmon options in a medium sized Southern non coastal city was not easy. There was one. It wasn't bad.

I filled all my baking dishes and sheet pans (and my mouth periodically). Ran the dishwasher twice and wrapped up a few episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation. All in all a productive day. 

The menu ended up with the following: 

Smoked Salmon and Dill Quiche with Feta

Cinnamon Kugel

Traditional Challah Bread

Deviled Eggs

Mini Honey Bundt Cakes

Meat and Cheese Platter (Pimento Cheese included)

Spring Green Pomegranate Salad with Almond Halva Dressing

To recap I will say for being the only Jew in the room I was very pleased to be able to share this New Year with the kids at Melrose Place. However my new goal is to get @crazyjewishmom to find me a new Jewish doctor who still has a mother around to cook a Rosh Hashanah meal for me. 

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