Slow Cooker Applesauce, (Linda Blair's) Sexy Gold Velour Onesie Culottes, and Scary Movies

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Slow Cooker Applesauce

If you ask me Halloween is good for one thing - the onslaught of scary movies on TV. Thankfully this Halloween season I am blessed with The Cables and had a buffet selection of options this week. 

While enjoying the Linda Blair classic, The Exorcist, last night I was chatting with former Work Wife discussing food. Because what better time to discuss food then when a teenage girl who is possessed starts spinning her head around while projectile vomiting.

Naturally our discussion lead to apples and slow cooker applesauce. 

So today while I sat riveted to my television watching the waste of celluloid, The Exorcist II: The Heretic I let a couple pounds of apples stew away in my slow cooker. As my eyes took a visual assault from Linda Blair's gold velour onesie culottes, I wondered to myself how the hell did the phenomenal Louise Fletcher get sucked into such a horrible film. But then I thought of the things I've done when I was desperate for money and all was forgiven of Ms. Fletcher. 

Happy Halloween!

Slow Cooker Applesauce

IN HONOR OF LINDA BLAIR PUKING ON HERSELF

The Damn Month of Pumpkin: or How Bubbie's Pumpkin Cookies Get Me Home

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Bubbie's Pumpkin Cookies

There is something about the first frost that makes my mind turn to holiday music, dressing in layers and a longing to be back home.

Thankfully the first frost was not where I currently live, but seen on Facebook thanks to an old friend back in Minnesota. The sight of the browned grass, crumbled leaves, and ice, did for a hot second, make me mentally wax poetic of my youthful days growing up in Duluth, MN. October snowstorms, February's burst water mains, April's ice caps that last into June. By the way it's October 18th and I have my air conditioning on in my apartment. Bless The South. 

Duluth is where Winter comes early to the party, eats all your favorite chips, crashes on your sofa, and suggests you make pancakes the next day before overstaying its welcome well into Spring. It is during those winter months that I have painted a memory of foods gone by that led me to the kitchen today. Be it Just J's Dumps, Just Joni's Fudge (recipe yet to be released), or The Matriarch's Sauerkraut and Dumplings, I cannot help but anticipate a long holiday break in a few months. However as it is October, or The Damn Month of Pumpkin as it should now be known, I will for my own mental stability of being a million miles from home make Just Joni's Pumpkin Cookies (now to be known at Bubbies Pumpkin Cookies). The only other acceptable pumpkin flavored food besides pumpkin pie. 

Please note that because I am a high maintenance gay son who cannot leave well enough alone I have altered my own mother's recipe. I will leave it up to you decided which works better for you.

BUBBIE'S PUMPKIN COOKIES

RECIPE BY JUST JONI

Carrie Bradshaw, Charlie Brown, and (Pumpkin Pound) Cake

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Pumpkin Pound Cake with Whiskey Sauce

Roughly around the time that I was adjusting to the fact that Sex and The City was never coming back to television, Starbucks decided to grace us with the Pumpkin Spice Latte (PSL as it is known by its cult members). Perhaps HBO and Starbucks had a plan figured out. One addiction would be switched out for the other. Sadly or thankfully I was not taken in by the PSL. Instead I continued to feed my Carrie needs by way of cable TV. And I maybe picked up a nasty Chai Latte habit along the way. Only to be switched out by old fashioned drip coffee. Google that one kids. Sometimes coffee comes black and is less than a $1.

Fast forward to 2015 and we as a human race have somehow created a whole new holiday season. It starts roughly around Labor Day and ends sometime when the vats of "pumpkin syrup" run dry near the Winter holidays. Gone are the days of fall being bookended by Charlie Brown's It's The Great Pumpkin and the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Now my newsfeeds are filled with pictures of filtered white and green cups in lieu of sandal clad feet at the beach. But soon those cups will give way to a lifetimes supply of LL Bean boots traipsing though Winter's worst. 

Don't get me wrong. I love the flavor of pumpkin. But for me it's up there with Thanksgiving side dishes. It's good once or twice a year. 

So here is one of my two 2015 Pumpkin Based Foods - as requested by a friend.

And should Starbucks actually read this please know that you are my preferred Chai Latte maker. May the force of the PSL be ever in your favor. 

Pumpkin Pound Cake with Spiced Glaze

Recipe Adapted from Our State Magazine 

Yes and Yes Book Club: The Devil In The White City

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It's that time of the month again when you can find me loitering over at the fabulous Yes and Yes spouting off about books and food! This month it's serial killers and brownies. Two of my more favorite topics to get deep about.

Check it out HERE!

Pickled Strawberries, Phantom Roommate Syndrome, and Pleasing Others

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Pickled Strawberries

I am in no position to beg for forgiveness regarding my absence with this blog. Naturally my apologies to my two faithful readers.

Let me see if I can catch you two up. 

In the last three months I have gained no ground on how to boil water on an electric stove top. I am 1000% convinced that they are the Devil’s work. Oddly, I have learned how to fry an egg on an electric stove top. It takes me more than twice as long as it did on a Heavenly blessed gas range, but still, I can fry an egg again.

In the last three months I have explored my vast new surroundings (read: the five square blocks that make up my new downtown living situation). There are wonderful fish tacos at King’s Crab Shack. Amazing wings and pizza at Ronni’s Restaurant. There is hardly anything Irish about the Irish bar down the street. And the dark horse winner is the oddly hipster bar around the corner that seats maybe 10 and has absolutely no online presence. One night I had to actually walk over there to see if they were open.

I have had to ban Pimento Cheese from my home. I have found a new love of air conditioning (Captain Planet will not be happy with me). And I have learned the difference between “y’all” and “all y’all”. 

Also I have slowly found my way back into my kitchen.

Though still suffering from phantom roommate syndrome (I am sure this is real even if it’s not on webMD) I am learning what it means to cook for one. By “cook for one” I mean I still cook for the roommate I don’t have and then I freeze the rest. My freezer has become a cook’s nightmare. 

Thanks to the cast of characters that I have met in my new Melrose Place of an apartment building I have been able to pawn off some of my baked goods. 

Most recently I found myself in possession of a flat of strawberries. And after learning that the good folks of North Carolina do not look kindly upon rhubarb I had to compromise my plans of pies and jams. Thankfully the latest copy of Southern Living arrived and suggested pickling my fruit. Which oddly sounds like a euphemism for a man in a cold pool. 

So with some pound cake, vanilla ice cream topped with pickled strawberries I fed some neighbors and filled a void. Then kindly edged the last of them out of my home by 930 because I am old and needed to catch up on my stories on the TV. 

PICKLED STRAWBERRIES

Inspired by Southern Living Magazine but with modifications

Until next time. 

And know that bullying clearly works because I wouldn’t have done this without threat. Thank you Tami Two. You would be Tami Number One Fan but my mother is Number One.