Ranch Eggs

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Ranch Eggs

Well Hell froze over. And with it North Carolina.

Did your Friday night involve the entire infrastructure of your town shutting down due to some precipitation? Maybe.

Did your Friday night involve a massive plate of pad see ew, a comped bottle of wine, a mildly uncomfortable discussion with a stranger about the now shuttered clothing store Structure, and this same stranger’s orgies that he participated in during the late 80s? Probably not.

Did your Friday night involve your two bartenders abandoning ship to take a bright blue sled down the middle of a snow filled main street while the local news aired it live? I doubt it.

Did your Friday night involve an impromptu, live on Facebook, snowball to the nads? Unlikely.

Did your Friday night involve watching a grown ass woman create a parking lot snow angel in 1” of snow with the excitement of a toddler who just discovered that farting is funny? I'm thinking no.

Did your Friday night involve some midnight racing of remote control trucks in a snow covered parking lot? I don’t think so.

It's okay. I'm sure your Friday night was fun too.

In all seriousness last night was off my plan de jour to make January a “cleanse” month. Not cleanse in the classic sense. Just cleanse in that I'm not binge eating homemade peanut butter balls while waiting for the lasagna to warm.

With an attempt at some clean eating I enlisted the help of my fellow blogger and Netflix aficionado, Steph Ondrusek over at Strong By Steph. Take a moment out of your current binge and check her out.

Steph recently blessed us with a simple guide to some healthy and tasteful food options to start the year out. Below is a slight variation of her Mexican Breakfast. Easily altered to make your own so mix it up! This easy meal is still fulfilling that guilt seeking pleasure we all promised to give up New Years Eve.

Happy Snowpocalypse.

Turkey Sandwich

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Turkey Sandwich with Mull of Kintyre Cheddar

2016 wrapped up with a bang (and not the good kind) and all I wanted was a damn turkey sandwich.

After dropping a teary eyed friend off at her apartment in the wee first hours of 2017 I raced home to peel off the champagne stained clothing, pulled out the building blocks of the simplest and yet so satisfying of sandwiches, and sat in silence to mentally recap what had gone down the previous 365 days. 

Things I Learned This Year Living In The South:

1. Life plans don't get derailed. They get rerouted. You just have to be smart enough to read a map to get back on track. 

2. There is something orgasmic about a well poached egg. 

3. To quote the great Chi-Chi from To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar, "No one is ever so rich as to throw away a friend." Some come and go. However brief their time with you it happened for a reason. 

Turkey Sandwich with Mull of Kintyre Cheddar

FEEDS ONE

CLICK BELOW FOR SOME PREVIOUS YEARS SHENANIGANS

RESTAURANT REVIEWS AND MYSTIC PIZZA

Hard Candy Christmas

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Hard Candy Christmas

"Hard Candy Christmas", sung by Dolly Parton on the 1982 soundtrack to the film The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, is the ultimate non Christmas/Christmas song. In the film Ms. Parton plays a no bullshit madam of the most popular, yet never spoken about, whorehouse in Texas.  

Not to spoil this family classic for everyone I will only tell you at one point in the movie Ms. Parton's character suffers some setbacks that send her into a song (like most setbacks in life).

"Hard Candy Christmas" tells us that even when the going gets tough all you have to do is dye your hair, get a car, move away, get drunk on apple wine, learn to sew and everything will be fine. But if those are not great options for you the real lesson learned from this great song is when the going gets tough just hitch up your damn britches and get shit done. 

Collectively we've had a challenging year. Personally I am still reeling from the loss of Anton Yelchin while secretly hoping all rainbow foods die a quick social media death. Be it celebrity death, a presidential election, or worse I have to think it's best we take the advice of the most famous fictional prostitute in the modern age...

"I'll be fine and dandy. Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas. I'm barely getting through tomorrow. But still I won't let sorrow bring me way down." 

Happy Holidays y'all.  See you next year. 

Sausage Balls

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Things I Learned This Week I Living In The South: 

1. There is a transgendered black cat on the other side of town who was born Raj, but after a series of some cat related infections and a quick surgery, now goes by Rajine (rah-gene). 

2. The addition of mayonnaise to mashed potatoes is not as odd as it sounds. And is pretty damn good. 

3. Though no snow is on the ground you can still enjoy a Christmas parade as long as the cinnamon whiskey is flowing, the pom pom winter hat is on head, and a man dressed as a giant piece of toast is wandering the streets.  

This past week I have heard the term 'sausage balls' no less than a dozen times. Apparently the holiday season does not begin until the whole of North Carolina has their hands (and mouths) on some balls.  Naturally I had to get in on this. 

Sausage Balls

RECIPE INSPIRED BY BETTY CROCKER

Hummingbird Cake

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It's Thanksgiving time again!

Earlier this holiday season I found myself at the crossroads of Do I or Don't I go 'home for the holidays'. On one hand I was mentally waxing nostalgic about past Thanksgivings at home over the river and through the woods. On the other hand I was thinking I do not have it in me to be away from my current home for upwards of 3+ weeks (when factoring in Christmas/Hanukkah/New Years). 

So to ponder my options I put in the holiday classic To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar starring the forever missed Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes, John Leguizamo, and the most drag queen woman of them all Stockard Channing. How could I go wrong watching this epic of a travel/family story? This lead me down the online shame spiral of reading up on my previous Thanksgivings. I was able to pick my favorite. I won't disclose as to keep the infighting down to a minimum among my friends.  

It was around the time that Patrick Swayze's character, Vida Boheme, was kicking the ass of some abusive, drunk, country husband (while in heels and full makeup) I remembered my Thanksgiving Come To Jesus I had a few years back. My Thanksgiving tradition is change of venue! And this year I was again keeping with tradition. 

This afternoon I will be breaking bread with my hairdresser, her home goods haunted house loving mother, her doomsday prepper of a father, and any and all other cast of characters they have invited. 

To try and blend in with the natives I have decided to bring a Hummingbird Cake. Invented in Greensboro, North Carolina sometime last century I have been told it's a Southern classic. Imagine a giant banana bread cake covered in cream cheese frosting. Now that you have mouth orgasmed let's move on. 

Again with traditions...

To recap this Thanksgiving I am thankful for: 

1. The new friends who have embraced my dead heart and invited me into their homes for the holiday. 

2. The family who I know will always have a place for me when I decide to go home for Thanksgiving. 

3. Patrick Swayze and Stockard Channing teaching us that we are all drag queens.

4. And cream cheese. 

Hummingbird Cake

RECIPE ADAPTED FROM SOUTHERN LIVING

Cream Cheese Frosting

RECIPE FROM ME AND SOME OTHER FRIENDS