Happy 4th, Hunting for Cookbooks, and (an education in) Hedwig

Ummm...looks like Daddy is checking out more buns than what's on the table.  Cookbooks even have tips on how to pick up women!

Another Independence Day has come and gone. And what's more American than binge eating, manual labor, antiquing for cookbooks and listening to musicals about transsexuals?

This week I found myself up north on the muggy July shores of Lake Superior with Just Joni. Casually trying to ignore my work while getting odd jobs done around the house. As I wrapped up the first coat of paint on the back deck and blaring the soundtrack to Hedwig And The Angry Inch, Just Joni suggested we take a mini road trip to the interior of the Great State of Minnesota to the old family cemetery plot. And if you are anyone who knows me you know I don't pass up a chance to check out a cemetery.

Once in McGregor we found ourselves slowly crawling down the main street (which is named after us and I wanted to point that out to every one of the five people who were on the street) we came across Molly's Antiques. From the road this run down yard sale with walls was a gold mine of crap everyone needs. There are two things that I am always looking for when I find myself side stepping creepy clown dolls and back issues of Time: green milk glass that is wrongly priced and first editions of cookbooks. I don't have a huge collection of cookbooks but the few I have I cherish. Save for the beautiful set of Gourmet Magazine Cookbook given to me under the false pretense of caring (mind you I would never give them up - I just sacrifice a goat for good luck before using them).

My present Neverending Story search of a cookbook is for the first edition of Betty Crocker's Picture Cookbook. As I kept my hands free from touching anything that looked like it might at one point have been on the set of Honey Boo Boo I finally saw the Holy Grail of cookbooks. I maneuvered myself over a suitcase I imagine to have the remains of some farming mistake and quickly picked up my find. This musty fourth printing of Betty Crocker's Picture Cookbook was as close as I'd ever come.  And for $8 I wasn't going to pass it up.  

This gem has everything you need. The classic recipe for "Burning Bush" - Form softened Cream Cheese into a ball and roll in minced dried beef. Mmmm....

It also comes with advice for every domestic diva inside us. Tired from housecleaning?!? Just lay on the floor, hands over your head for 3-5 minutes. Do your 'headwork' while doing your housework. Multitasking was thing even in the 40's.  

In a time when cookbooks are almost obsolete I am sure many of you are wondering why I even bother. Well someday when the zombie apocalypse comes someone needs to know how to make a Burning Bush. If you need a cookbook I highly suggest the new Betty Crocker Cookbook. And it has nothing to do with my name being in it. If there was a shameless plug emoticon I would maybe consider using it here.  

I have to get back to painting the deck while exposing the new neighbors to the trials and tribulations of German transsexuals trying to make it big in the music business.  

What's your go to cookbook? and will it prepare you for the zombie apocalypse?

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Doughnuts, Doughnut Holes, and Deceptive Doughnuts

For years now I have been listening to Sister talk about her love of strawberry doughnuts. When asked, she will tell you that it is not simply a doughnut with strawberry glaze, but a strawberry doughnut with strawberry glaze. She will also tell you that, though kind of you, do not buy her a doughnut with pink glaze assuming it tastes like strawberry. It won't. 

She weaves a yarn about our father, Just J, taking her to the famed House of Donuts in Duluth as a child. I have only one memory of that joint and it was after a night of drinking kamikazes out of a pitcher. I guess HOD had the strawberry doughnuts that have set in motion the lifelong pursuit of cakey goodness. 

Now last week while I lay in bed gazing into the eyes of my ever cheating lover, Netflix, I received a text from Sister that was simply a Pinterest photo of a Strawberry Doughnut with the text, "can you make this?" beneath.  Having once made doughnuts long ago in my former life of a food stylist I naturally answered, "Yes of course I am a master of doughnuts."  

Cut to a week later up at Just Joni's home in Duluth and I am sweating it out over a simmering pot of canola oil frying up Martha Stewart's very own (non cake) Cake Doughnuts and hand dipping the now golden brown STRAWBERRY flavored doughnuts in STRAWBERRY flavored glaze. Being more of a custard filled Long John guy I wasn't sure what to think of the end result. I will say I popped a couple of those glazed over pink balls in my mouth and I wasn't disappointed. Took me back to the one winter with that tall blond what's his name. He loved a good hole too.  

Doughnuts - Super easy to make. However, like one recipe implied...it's okay to buy plain doughnuts at the grocery store and glaze them yourself and impress everyone. Deceptive as it sounds, why not? I mean I'll judge you, but I won't know if you don't tell me. 

Cake Doughnuts

RECIPE FROM MARTHA STEWART

INGREDIENTS

2 quarts canola oil

2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting

1/4 cup sour cream

1 1/4 cups cake flour, not self-rising

3/4 cup granulated sugar

1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1 1/2 teaspoons coarse salt

1 1/2 teaspoons freshly grated nutmeg

1 packet active dry yeast, or 0.6 ounces cake yeast

3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons nonfat buttermilk

1 extra-large whole egg

2 extra-large egg yolks

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1 1/4 cups non-melting or confectioners' sugar

INSTRUCTIONS

Directions

Heat oil in a low-sided six-quart saucepan over medium-high heat until a deep-frying thermometer registers 375 degrees. Lightly dust a baking pan with all-purpose flour, and line a second one with paper towels; set both aside.

Meanwhile, place sour cream in a heat-proof bowl on top of a double boiler; set over a pan of simmering water. Heat until warm to the touch. Remove from heat; set aside.

In a large bowl, sift together all-purpose flour, cake flour, granulated sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and nutmeg. Make a large well; place yeast in center. Pour warm sour cream over yeast, and let sit 1 minute.

Place buttermilk, whole egg, egg yolks, and vanilla in a medium bowl; whisk to combine. Pour egg mixture over sour cream. Using a wooden spoon, gradually draw flour mixture into egg mixture, stirring until smooth before drawing in more flour. Continue until all flour mixture has been incorporated; dough will be very sticky.

Sift a heavy coat of flour onto a clean work surface. Turn out dough. Sift another heavy layer of flour over dough. Using your hands, pat dough until it is 1/2 inch thick. Using a 2 3/4-inch doughnut cutter, cut out doughnuts as close together as possible, dipping the cutter in flour before each cut. Transfer doughnuts to floured pan, and let rest 10 minutes, but not more.

Carefully transfer four doughnuts to hot oil. Cook until golden, about 2 minutes. Turn over; continue cooking until evenly browned on both sides, about 2 minutes more. Using a slotted spoon, transfer doughnuts to lined pan. Repeat with remaining doughnuts.

Gather remaining dough scraps into a ball. Let rest 10 minutes; pat into a 1/2-inch-thick rectangle. Cut, let rest 10 minutes, and cook.

When cool enough to handle, sift non-melting sugar over tops; serve immediately.

Okay so I added Strawberry Flavor to the wet ingredients. Enough to make a hint of strawberry. AND instead of sprinkling sugar on top I mixed up a standard powdered sugar, milk (and strawberry flavor) glaze.

Sister seemed to like them. I am planning on binge eating some at around 3 am in my underwear, in the dark, wondering what that blond guy is up to these days.  

Tots M'Sheep I am out - see you next week!

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Dating Dylan McDermott, Drunk Baking and Dramatic Jew-motional Eating

Hello Jackson - If you need a shoulder to cry on...I am here. Just take what wedding ring off.

Well this week flew by - after a whirlwind trip up North and a full week in the sock factory I find myself having to get ready to get back on the road for work. And with Passover approaching next week I have food on the mind. Passover is the food best-t-est holiday the Jews have. I mean Thanksgivinukkah was amazing but Passover involves a lot of booze. However it does involve not eating leavened bread. So guess who has been Jew-motional bread eating for a few days? This Jew. That's Jew.  

This got me thinking...as I am cleaning out the pantry before I go on yet another sojourn south of The Mason-Dixon I want to get rid of some cheese - Grilled Cheese for dinner and probably a bad movie on Netflix. And because I am not going be here to cook for Passover I decided to use some left over croissants in the southern classic of Bread Pudding. With a Jew twist of course.

Considering I have to spend a lot of upcoming time getting my Steel Magnolia's on, tonight is going to be spent eating - this is a food blog so that shouldn't surprise you.  Excuse me while I go all Diabetic Shelby on this...

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Steel Magnolia Jewish Non Kosher Passover Bread Pudding with Whiskey Sauce

(adapted from the internet and my emotional needs) 2014

INGREDIENTS FOR BREAD PUDDING

Butter (to coat baking dish)

2 Eggs

2/3 C Brown Sugar

2 C Heavy Cream

1/4 t Kosher Salt

3/4 lb Croissants (or about 5 medium croissants); torn into pieces

3 Sheet Matzos; crumbled

INSTRUCTIONS FOR BREAD PUDDING

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease 9x9 baking dish with butter. In large bowl toss together croissant and matzos pieces. Layer non Passover Kosher bread and matzos into the buttered baking dish.

In medium bowl place eggs, brown sugar, heavy cream and salt. Whisk together. Once completely whisked, pour egg mixture over the bread. Let sit for 30 mins while the croissants and matzos soak up the goodness.

Place baking dish in oven and bake for 40-50 mins or until golden fluffy and an inserted toothpick comes out clean.

INGREDIENTS FOR WHISKEY SAUCE

1/2 C Brown Sugar

1 Stick Unsalted Butter

1/2 C Heavy Cream

1/4 C Whiskey + 2 fingers of Whiskey for sampling and baking aid

INSTRUCTIONS FOR WHISKEY SAUCE

Mix all ingredients into heavy bottomed saucepan and bring to low boil while whisking slowly together. If needed take a sip of excess whiskey. Once fully incorporated finish off extra whiskey and set aside to serve with bread pudding.

I'll be in the corner crying for that poor baby of Shelby's. I mean how horrible to be raised by Dylan McDermott. I mean it's horrible because, as kin, they cannot date. I thank God everyday that I am not related to Dylan McDermott so when the time comes I will be able to date him. Date him so hard.  

Love and kisses.  

One more thing! If you enjoy reading this every week ( and I know at least 8 of you do ) please consider following my blog using the email sign up in the upper right corner of the page. Those special people get first word of my genius work.  

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Farts, "Family" and Food - Merry Christmas 2013

The Sexy Bearded Man is single - he does NOT come with the Pound Puppy

This past week The Roomate and I received a holiday card from a friend pictured with a dog and some dog friendly holiday greeting. We may or may not have been drinking some wine and decided that we too needed to spread some holiday joy. So with some creative use of the iPhone and the coincidental purchase of plaid clothing we got down to business.

With good intentions we ordered hard copies to hand out to people we think are extra special. But because Walgreens.com is not user friendly we have yet to receive them. For those of you lucky to get one I expect to see it on the Frigidaire next time I am over. For those of you who don’t get snail mail this electronic version is all yours – print it out, forward it on and make it your Facebook Cover Photo.

I personally love getting the holiday letters that take one family’s entire year's existence and condenses it to one page. With clipart.

I’ve added my own...Holiday Letter 2013

(I am not mailing this out. Times are tough y’all and this website is paid for):

Dear Friends and Family –

I do not have any kids that have done wonderful things at school or church or in the community. Instead I have beautiful man bag I bought from SSCY.com. I do love it so. It can be a tote bag, a backpack, a shoulder bag. It can fit a fun size person if need be. But it cannot fit a lap dog. I am not that kind of gay. I want a dog whose pile of crap I can use for fuel to burn should the end times come.

So my man bag is doing wonderful and is expected to excel in 2014.

I am still squatting with my bestie/landlord in SoMPLS. Our days are filled with retail misadventures in bustling downtown Minneapolis (that beeyotch Mary Tyler Moore has nothing on us). And our nights are filled with food centered shenanigans and various cultural outings, and lots of Big Bang Theory viewing in between. We continue to build on our 2013 resolution of drinking 52 bottles of wine in the year. We are ahead of schedule. Thankfully my man bag does not require me to get up and let it out to poo in the morning or feed it like a child, so massive consumption of wine is not a problem.

Tonight is bottle number 61. It’s a Shiraz.

Bottoms up! (P.S. Don’t ever scream that in a gay bar. It’s like yelling “FIRE!” in a movie theatre).

My travels this year took me on an old fashioned road trip with Sister to the exotic country of California. While there we took in sights (interactive gay strip shows in San Francisco…it was across the street from the best pizza that side of the Rockies), we walked it the path of Pee Wee Herman, and ate at a Wendy’s in Napa Valley.

I am wrapping up my second year of being sober. And by sober I mean not having a Diet Coke. I replaced that addiction with La Croix canned water. And then I replaced that addiction with Cinnamon Bliss Coffee Mate Coffee Creamer and my Sanka. Thankfully my addiction issues have not come up in therapy.

And I am back on just water for the most part. And wine.

MUST KEEPS GOALS!

My love life is still missing the “love” part. So if you know of anyone send him my way. I’ve also decided to invest in hand lotions. I think stock prices might be going up.

I was a little gassy and bloated in August. But then again it was State Fair time.

My beard is coming along nicely. I did not grow it to promote men touching themselves this past November. I promote men touching themselves all year long.

If there are more than two balls in the game, I suggest you see your doctor tout de suite men.

I also said goodbye to some dear friends. Serena, Blair, Chuck, Dan and Dorota all moved on. Thank you Netflix for bringing them into my life. They are missed daily.

This year wasn’t all beautiful man bags and luxurious beards. There were low moments in the half bath with a bottle of wine and dog eared copy of Martha Stewart’s Living.

There was that one drunken night where two bags of Ruffles mysteriously were missing the next morning (may have been in August). There was that one guy…

So this coming week we will gather with friends and family. We will stuff ourselves so full we question whether or not our next fart will require a change of underwear. We shall plow through to 2014. Take new adventures (with my man bag), try new foods, drink more wine, and take a chance or two. Let’s run head first into 2014 with reckless abandon and our seatbelts buckled. But let’s keep it real people.

Merry Christmas this week.

Happy New Year’s next week. And here’s hoping for some freakin’ great food next year!

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Friend Thanksgiving, Firestarter and THANKSGIVUKKAH: Greatest Holiday Ever

Fab lighting for Drew, all my supplies (including Star of David shaped pasta thanks to SAGL), Martha's stock photo of Matzo Ball Soup, and my pumpkin meringue pie from Friend Thanksgiving

This week I was walking down Minneapolis’s own Champs Elysees, Nicollet Mall, when two I tell you two people stopped and asked why I had not posted on the blog for such a long time. After I assured them they had the wrong person out of pure shame I scurried to my glamorous corner office on the 24th floor overlooking the bubbling Mighty Mississippi. 

Doesn’t my life sound painfully spectacular?

In reality two friends who do read my blog kindly pointed out that I have been absent online as of late. I will confess of general food malaise and a crammed schedule of bunching man panties for work.

However in my defense this Thanksgiving post has been rattling around in my head for a while now. Mostly because it is one holiday that I see very little tradition with regards to me.

It is the eve of Thanks (and my first night of Hanukkah as a Jew) and I am in bed stricken with some demon illness catching up on Netflix. I kindly slept through The Truman Show and plan next to view the classic After School Special: Valley of The Dolls. Pass the pill box sweetie…daddy needs a pick me up.

Back to Thanksgiving and all the emotional stuffing that comes with it. In thinking of my own Thanksgiving pasts I can only recall three really. The first being with my father’s family at my childhood home, passing the relish tray to my right I look up to see my North by Northwest Uncle with two giant green olives shoved up his nose and a Cheshire grin so wide you would think he was Steve Martin with an arrow through his head. After composing ourselves the memory fades.

Others have come and gone. Some with a lingering hurt of heartache (spent in penthouse luxury) and others with the awkwardness of looming infidelity. Not I mind you. But some crazy couple I knew when I hosted in my Vermont pied a terre.

He was sleeping with his professor. Quelle Surprise.

This year I had the pleasure of attending another Friend Thanksgiving. I brought along a "date" who I gladly brought up to speed on the history of Friend Thanksgiving and how I became a part of it. However we were most excited that this years hostess was three days from her due date and I had money riding on a pre pumpkin pie slicing water break. I did not go home a winner.

A few weeks ago I did reach out to The Matriarch, Aunt Sunshine and Just Joni to get the family history of Thanksgiving. They wove romantic tales of chasing Granny’s apron strings while she made homemade stuffing, mincemeat pies and rutabagas.

Aunt Sunshine disclosed her novice mistake of leaving the giblets in her first turkey for her own family.

Just Joni recalled a tale of an ER doc that crashed her mother’s Thanksgiving and had to leave because a local man decided to take on the snow blower with his hand and the snow blower won.

This year brings some extra special Thanksgivingness to the table. As noted above it is also Hanukkah. According to the venerable news source Buzzfeed, “Thanksgivinukkah”, is the greatest meshing of holidays ever. And I am partial to agree.

Not one to force my Jewity on people this is a chance to get a BOGO on holidays. And we all know Jews love a deal. So this Black Friday (Sister is keeping the villagers across the river safe tomorrow from deep fried fires) my family and a few friends are gathering at a classy IKEA table (seriously it really is IKEA and you would never know) to light the lights and pass the cranberry sauce. We will at once be thankful for the oil that allowed the Jews to see for eight long nights and a bunch of pilgrims “sharing” land with Native Americans.

Traditionally I post after the holiday in hopes that you bookmark the page and try the recipes that I try.

This year I am going to post before.

The day before. So you can rush to your local gas station tomorrow morning and try to create what I plan to test out in two days.

Thanksgivinukkah 2013 (it will never happen again in my lifetime):

Starters:

Lee’s Celery Sticks:

1 part Roca Blue Cheese (find it in the Velveeta section of the store), 1 part crumbled blue cheese, 1 part Philadelphia Cream Cheese, 1 part chopped walnuts. Smear the mixture down the gut of a celery stalk and enjoy!

Turkey Matzo Ball Soup

At the request of my Brother In Law this is just a mild twist on the classic Matzo Ball Soup. Please Google Martha Stewart’s Matzo Ball Soup. I’ve used it once before. She is a God.

Turkey:

I have never stuck to one recipe for the bird. And this year I might go classic and just use an herbed butter rub and baste the shit out of it. Because the jury is still out on basting. This holiday is very young.

Thanksgivinukkah Sides:

Cranberry Latkes – they just sound amazing.

Thank you Bon Appetit for this one.

Again – GOOGLE.

Gluten Free Cornbread Stuffing:

Gluten free cornbread, onions, garlic, crumbled bacon (soooo not kosher), celery, parsley, eggs, chicken stock and kosher salt (trying to take away from the bacon).

Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Pastrami and Pickled Red Onion:

It’s all in the title. Learn to experiment.

Horseradish Chive Mashed Potatoes:

Again you have all made mashed potatoes before. Just add what’s in the title.

Can you tell the drugs have kicked in? I’m about to take a Nyquil Cocktail and prop my pillow up so I don’t choke on my own tongue.

French’s Green Bean Casserole:

This is Sister’s favorite and it has been requested that I just not put it on the table and she will come to the kitchen and help herself so as to make sure it’s all hers.

Chorizo – Almond Stuffing:

Cubed bread, butter, onion, celery, garlic, chorizo sausage, toasted almonds, oregano, lemon zest, parsley, salt and pepper, chicken broth.

Dessert:

Gluten Free Pumpkin Pie

If the crust works out it will come with a meringue top. I did a test run on Friend Thanksgiving. If you follow me on the Instangrams (benjaminplante_) you saw what I can do with a hand held torch. Don’t piss me off. I will go Drew Barrymore Firestarter on you.

I kid. Maybe.

Damn cold drugs.

Spiked Coffee:

This is coming from a dark horse attendee. She insisted on bringing Frangelico. Who could say no to booze.

And I will probably make some chocolate chip cookies so I have something for dinner this week.

As my head gets cloudy with OTC meds and Jacqueline Susann suggests the inappropriate on the iMac I should sign off. Tomorrow is a big day for all of you. I plan to stay in bed and do dirty things to Netflix and anticipate this looming death of a cold will be gone later in the day so I can cook.

Happy Thanksgivinukkah! It only happens once so as RuPaul says, “Don’t F*** It UP!”

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