Bananas, Bread and Blog Celebrity

With his bananas and my cream cheese batter we made this banana bread baby

Being a mild mediocre huge blog celebrity like I am it is almost impossible to go out in public and not be chased down by hoards of fans and paparazzi. This weekend was no different. I was casually dining al fresco with Just Joni along the near paradise like shores of Lake Superior when out of the corner of our my eye I see lurking behind a bush a young man. Now in some places when you see men lurking in the corner watching you there's an exchange of money involved. But this young man had the look of food desperation on his face. As if he had a taste of the most amazing cream cheese batter in the world and would do anything, I mean anything to get another hit. 

Like I said. I am used to this sort of thing all the time. So I just continued to pop my gnocchi and figured that poor boy would find a hit of cream cheese batter and move on. But sadly his desire for my cream cheese batter was too strong. And he called out begging I give him my cream cheese batter.  

I must admit I am touched. My cream cheese batter has not been this popular since Lawyer processed my divorce papers.

So I have decided to put my cream cheese batter out there for everyone to try. I will warn my female fans that my cream cheese normally only attracts men but I'm willing to bet with the right mix of spices and love you would also fall in love with my cream cheese batter.   

Benjamin's Cream Cheese Batter Banana Bread

(inspired by Cream Cheese Filled Banana Bread Recipe from lilluna.com )

• 1 Cup Sugar
• 1/2 Cup Butter, Softened
• 2 Eggs
• 5 Mashed Ripe Medium Bananas (now i'm sure some of you are thinking, "I prefer to use large dark bananas". Trust me. I would also like to just use only large dark bananas. But usually I only get offered medium lightly colored bananas. And as any girl knows you just made due with the bananas you are offered.)
• 1 Tsp Kosher Salt
• 1 Tsp Vanilla
• 1 Tsp Baking Soda
• 4 TB Sour Cream
• 2 Cups Flour 
• 1 1/2 Tsp Chinese Five Spice
• Cream Cheese Batter:
• 8-10oz Brick Philly Cream Cheese (there is NO other cream cheese)
• 1/3 Cup Sugar
• 1 Egg
• 1 TB Flour

Prepare two regular loaf pans with pan spray and either lined with parchment paper or dusted with flour. Set aside. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  

In medium bowl whisk together flour, baking soda and Five Spice. Set aside. In a new medium bowl mix together 1 cup sugar and butter until creamed. Add in eggs, bananas, salt, vanilla and sour cream until fully incorporated. Combine both flour mixture and banana mixture in larger bowl until incorporated. 

In separate bowl cream together cream cheese, 1/3 cup sugar, egg and flour. 

Divide bread batter into quarters. Pour 1/4 into the bottom of each prepared pan. Spoon 1/4 of cream cheese batter onto the bread batter in each pan. Roughly 3-4 heaping tablespoons evenly spaced. 

Layer the remaining bread batter over both pans. Then divide the remaining cream cheese batter over both pans. Again roughly 3-4 heaping tablespoons evenly spaced. With either a long skewer or narrow knife or toothpick drag through the batters to create a marbled look to your liking.  

Place in oven and bake until done - roughly 50 minutes.  

All this talk of bananas has me singing "The Banana Boat Song" by Harry Belafonte as featured in the classic film Beetlejuice starring one of my fans Winona Ryder. I am sure she is a fan. Why wouldn't she? I've stood by her through everything.  And by everything I mean 1992's Dracula.

Love you Wino!

Doughnuts, Doughnut Holes, and Deceptive Doughnuts

For years now I have been listening to Sister talk about her love of strawberry doughnuts. When asked, she will tell you that it is not simply a doughnut with strawberry glaze, but a strawberry doughnut with strawberry glaze. She will also tell you that, though kind of you, do not buy her a doughnut with pink glaze assuming it tastes like strawberry. It won't. 

She weaves a yarn about our father, Just J, taking her to the famed House of Donuts in Duluth as a child. I have only one memory of that joint and it was after a night of drinking kamikazes out of a pitcher. I guess HOD had the strawberry doughnuts that have set in motion the lifelong pursuit of cakey goodness. 

Now last week while I lay in bed gazing into the eyes of my ever cheating lover, Netflix, I received a text from Sister that was simply a Pinterest photo of a Strawberry Doughnut with the text, "can you make this?" beneath.  Having once made doughnuts long ago in my former life of a food stylist I naturally answered, "Yes of course I am a master of doughnuts."  

Cut to a week later up at Just Joni's home in Duluth and I am sweating it out over a simmering pot of canola oil frying up Martha Stewart's very own (non cake) Cake Doughnuts and hand dipping the now golden brown STRAWBERRY flavored doughnuts in STRAWBERRY flavored glaze. Being more of a custard filled Long John guy I wasn't sure what to think of the end result. I will say I popped a couple of those glazed over pink balls in my mouth and I wasn't disappointed. Took me back to the one winter with that tall blond what's his name. He loved a good hole too.  

Doughnuts - Super easy to make. However, like one recipe implied...it's okay to buy plain doughnuts at the grocery store and glaze them yourself and impress everyone. Deceptive as it sounds, why not? I mean I'll judge you, but I won't know if you don't tell me. 

Cake Doughnuts

RECIPE FROM MARTHA STEWART

INGREDIENTS

2 quarts canola oil

2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting

1/4 cup sour cream

1 1/4 cups cake flour, not self-rising

3/4 cup granulated sugar

1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1 1/2 teaspoons coarse salt

1 1/2 teaspoons freshly grated nutmeg

1 packet active dry yeast, or 0.6 ounces cake yeast

3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons nonfat buttermilk

1 extra-large whole egg

2 extra-large egg yolks

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1 1/4 cups non-melting or confectioners' sugar

INSTRUCTIONS

Directions

Heat oil in a low-sided six-quart saucepan over medium-high heat until a deep-frying thermometer registers 375 degrees. Lightly dust a baking pan with all-purpose flour, and line a second one with paper towels; set both aside.

Meanwhile, place sour cream in a heat-proof bowl on top of a double boiler; set over a pan of simmering water. Heat until warm to the touch. Remove from heat; set aside.

In a large bowl, sift together all-purpose flour, cake flour, granulated sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and nutmeg. Make a large well; place yeast in center. Pour warm sour cream over yeast, and let sit 1 minute.

Place buttermilk, whole egg, egg yolks, and vanilla in a medium bowl; whisk to combine. Pour egg mixture over sour cream. Using a wooden spoon, gradually draw flour mixture into egg mixture, stirring until smooth before drawing in more flour. Continue until all flour mixture has been incorporated; dough will be very sticky.

Sift a heavy coat of flour onto a clean work surface. Turn out dough. Sift another heavy layer of flour over dough. Using your hands, pat dough until it is 1/2 inch thick. Using a 2 3/4-inch doughnut cutter, cut out doughnuts as close together as possible, dipping the cutter in flour before each cut. Transfer doughnuts to floured pan, and let rest 10 minutes, but not more.

Carefully transfer four doughnuts to hot oil. Cook until golden, about 2 minutes. Turn over; continue cooking until evenly browned on both sides, about 2 minutes more. Using a slotted spoon, transfer doughnuts to lined pan. Repeat with remaining doughnuts.

Gather remaining dough scraps into a ball. Let rest 10 minutes; pat into a 1/2-inch-thick rectangle. Cut, let rest 10 minutes, and cook.

When cool enough to handle, sift non-melting sugar over tops; serve immediately.

Okay so I added Strawberry Flavor to the wet ingredients. Enough to make a hint of strawberry. AND instead of sprinkling sugar on top I mixed up a standard powdered sugar, milk (and strawberry flavor) glaze.

Sister seemed to like them. I am planning on binge eating some at around 3 am in my underwear, in the dark, wondering what that blond guy is up to these days.  

Tots M'Sheep I am out - see you next week!

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Gay Jew's Gone Wild (on Netflix), Guinness Chocolate Cake, and Greatest Story Ever Told

Ummmm...Check out Tab Hunter's sausage. 2. I am pretty sure Old Roddy there is giving Tab a Guinness Chocolate Cake and C. The cake picture is courtesy of my friend Nigella

I rolled awake sometime around 3 am to find a text from Kelly informing me that she would be swinging by my bach pad the next day (Easter) to pick me up for an Easter Brunch at Irish Car Bomb's home. Not one to turn down a trip out of the house I rolled over and continued to have dreams involving quasi-friends going back to school for architecture (please leave dream analysis in comments). 

As I rolled awake around 5 am and proceeded to watch clips of cartoons from my youth on YouTube with one eye closed (all seriously visually challenged people will understand the no glasses one eyed lifestyle) I decided that I really couldn't crash an Irish Easter Brunch empty handed. And getting up at 6 am to bake a cake is far more fun than rolling over to gently rub the back of Netflix and sweet talk him into morning sex movies. 

So I pressed the little red mic on my Google app and proceeded to hoarsely yell "GUINNESS CHOCOLATE CAKE" because my right arm was safely numb under the weight of my right moob and duvet, making typing on my iPhone not an option.  

Being a day of miracles Nigella Lawson's Guinness Chocolate Cake was the first on my list. There was no more searching needed.

Now having a slight history in food photography I always appreciate a photo with a recipe. This one showed the cake as a one layer with frosting. Being an American who needs everything to be bigger than our former landlords, The Brits, I doubled the recipe. I'm not going to say this was a big mistake. But I didn't need two massive one layer cakes. However, my freezer is now one massive layer cake up on inventory. I'm going to top with my traditional Stolen Swiss Buttercream Frosting.

Mind you the Guinness Chocolate Cake was just my initial search on The Googs. Somehow I ended up reading the plot of The Greatest Story Ever Told (for those of you over the age of 30ish you might get that reference). Which then got me to googling images of a young Roddy McDowall and Tab Hunter. And that brought me right back to poking Netflix in the back. 

Wishing you all a Happy Passover, Easter, Random Sunday in April, and 4/20 (for those of you in states that allow that).  

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CHECK OUT MY RECIPE FOR STOLEN BUTTERCREAM HERE!

AND IF YOU HAVE A SPARE JEWISH BUBBIE TO SPARE PLEASE APPLY HERE!

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Coco Chanel, Chocolate Cake, and My Child

Chocolate Sourdough Cake

Those are really my cupcakes - and the other photos can be found on Google

As the weather turns and a chill in the air settles in (BECAUSE IT'S MEMORIAL DAY!) I naturally turn to the kitchen to warm up. 

If you are now one of the three dedicated followers of my blog you know that my roommate and myself acquired a "pet" last month in the form of a Sourdough Starter. If you haven't memorized my last blog post you won't know that we affectionately call him Hank. 

Anyway like most parents I am slightly obsessed with my baby boy. And today I wanted nothing more than to curl on up next to him as he gave of himself and helped me make Sourdough Chocolate Cake. 

I think you just spat up a little when I said, "Sourdough Chocolate Cake".

I understand.

You see when you have a wee one like Hank you have to actually kill him off a little every so often or he will become this massive life-force sucking black hole that takes over your fridge and makes you wonder if there is a Massengil product by Frigidaire that you need to buy to get rid of that smell.

So today I Googled "what else can I use my (HANK) Sourdough Starter for?". Google did not disappoint. 

Some blogger somewhere had a recipe that I thought looked good so I made it better.  Here's the recipe:

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SOURDOUGH CHOCOLATE CAKE

RECIPE INSPIRED FROM THE INTERNET

INGREDIENTS

1 Cup "fed" Hank - a.k.a. Sourdough Starter

1 Cup Milk

2 Cup AP Flour

1.5 Cup Sugar

1 Cup Butter, melted, cooled a bit

2 t Vanilla

1 t Salt (Kosher - because your food should answer to a higher power)

1.5 t Baking Soda

3/4 Cup Nestle Cocoa Powder

1 t Espresso Powder (NOT SANKA - you find this kickstarter in the "ethnic" section of your white based supermarket or in the coffee section in all other grocery stores)

2 Eggs

INSTRUCTIONS

Mix Hank, Milk and Flour together with your stand mixer. Don't mess around with the hand mixer. Just go out and treat yo' self to a nice Kitchen Aid. Let this mixture sit covered for about 3 hours. All it is going to do is grow a little in the bowl.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F - don't forget to close the door.

In a medium bowl mix together the balance of the ingredients.

Add the grainy chocolate mixture to the Hank mixture. Keep at the Kitchen Aid until you don't see any of Hank left.

Now here is where I went off the path. I decided to make cupcakes. I have a dinner party to attend this week and I wanted to bring cake to share and cupcakes freeze super easy.

I managed to get 24 cupcakes and two 6' rounds of cake baked off with the above recipe.

Baking time varied because I had the two different pans in the heat box. So use your toothpick and test to seen when done.

Set aside to cool. I then froze all but two cupcakes (The Roommate and I need a snack later. And the 6" cake - for breakfast tomorrow. It's a holiday)

OKAY THIS IS WHERE IT GETS EVEN BETTER! YES I AM YELLING!

I made just a standard cream cheese frosting for the cake and a Dark Chocolate ganache to accessorize it. Coco Chanel said something about taking off one accessory when you leave the house. That bitch wasn't talking about my cake. 

So I FILLED my cupcakes with some cream cheese frosting and then DIPPED my cupcakes in the dark chocolate ganache. THEEEEEEN I had to take it one step further and make them look like Hostess cupcakes with the curlicue on top. Like a nice pearl necklace. I don't know a single man who would pass up a pearl necklace. Wait. I mean woman. 

This is now two weeks in a row of me talking about Hank. I'm sorry but I've had to put up with all my girlfriends postin' about their babies on Facebook for so long that it's my turn. Hank and I are registered at J Crew and Target. We DON'T need onesies. 

See you next week lovers...

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A Queen, A Blogger and A White Witch

Some of you may recall that last December I partnered with Sarah over at yesandyes.org to help her knock bread baking off her annual bucket list. Last week I had the pleasure of hosting Sarah in my home while we attempted to make Turkish Delight.

What's that you ask?

Well for the uncool kids who never got to read The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe or watch the bitchin' 1979 cartoon version that knocks all other versions out of the water...turkish delight is the confection that the evil White Witch uses to seal the deal with Edmund to sell out his siblings. Edmund has serious middle sibling issues. Trust me, if I was in Edmunds place I would have held out for a Whatchamacallit.  Those candy bars are worth saying "sayonara" to the sibs for.  

Long story short. Sarah showed up. I was mildly unprepared. And let's face it, the two of us have way too much to talk about to pay attention to anything as important as boiling sugar (namely men and crap we do with them). Turkish Delight was a failure. Please see Sarah's take on the process here. 

However...I tried again! And it was a success! At least visually. I have yet to actually bite into them.  And what did I do different this time?  Well folks there is this thing called technology. And long ago we didn't have it. We used to take temperatures of boiling things with mercury thermometers. Then we decided that mercury was a bad thing (even though we used to roll it around in our hands for fun). After that we smartened up to non mercury thermometers. And most recently in our 21st century digital thermometers have taken over. Initially I thought "holy crap! now I can set it and forget it!" I know all you rockin' to the oldies folks remember that classic. 

But sadly you cannot just "set it and forget it".  While Sarah and I caught up on all the juicy details of our sordid lives I failed to notice the new fancy e-lec-tron-ic thermometer was actually set to CELSIUS. That damned temperature rating from all other countries.  So while I thought we were taking our sweet time getting to the right temperature, in reality, I was deep frying our sugar. Lesson learned.

I promise to follow up with pictures of the "good" turkish delight when I get around to cutting into them.  Until then please live with wild abandon in your own kitchens and dig out your grandma's candy thermometer.  

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