Slow Cooker Beef Roast

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Seared Beef

In a matter of mere hours my Saturday went from pretty great. To not bad. To "Dear God. Get me out of here". To "Tom Hanks is a genius in The 'Burbs". 

Then I seared some meat. 

Things I've Experienced While Living In The South This week: 

1. Bridesmaids are the worst. Even at 1000 miles away they hold the power to ruin my whiskey and andouille po'boy buzz. Know that when our paths cross I will remember that. 

2. The same dog that played Precious in Silence of The Lambs starred as Queenie in The 'Burbs. Tom Hanks taught us that sometimes you don't need to know what's going on with your creepy neighbors. 

3. When single and grocery shopping, you can find yourself wondering how you came to own 9 lbs of beef and what the dating scene will be like should The End Times come and you are trapped in your kitchen where you have hoarded the now procured 9lbs of beef.  

Though it's just me at home and I would love to eat nothing but cold cereal breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I have from time to time the emotional need to actually make a real meal. While sadly knowing that 80% of it will die a slow death as leftovers longfully looking past my moobs as I graze on frozen chocolate chips naked in front of my fridge at 3am.  This week I attempt to make a variation of Betty Crocker's Slow Cooker Beef Roast with Onions and Potatoes. 

Slow Cooker Beef Roast with Onions and Potatoes

RECIPE BY BETTY CROCKER

SERVES 6

 

 

 

 

Martha Washington's Shrewsbury Cakes

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Shrewsbury Cakes

Having survived yet another week in the cube farm I opted to spend my Friday and Saturday evenings being social. This has lead to a very screwed up sleep cycle.

Things That Have Happened Due To My Messed Up REM:

  1. While walking home one morning at 130am I was mildly shocked to have a golf cart whiz by at a good speed on main street with two young women in the back seat yelling, “Oh heeeeey Benjamin.” I have no idea who they were.

  2. It is quite possible that a group of young adults and one senior citizen had a conversation over brunch about sharting. Yes, sharting. It was determined by the group as a whole that if one sharts alone it is rather embarrassing. However, if one sharts in the presence of a loved one, say a boyfriend or girlfriend, the shart is to be deemed hilarious.

  3. While downing beers, watching football, and eating what I feel to be the saddest BBQ pulled chicken sandwich ever I was pleased to learn that my own inquiry of “presidential cookies” on Google returned with a list of the favored cookies by all previous FLOTUS (or is is FLOTI because it’s plural?).

HIllary had her Clinton Chip’s. Barbara had her Cowboy Cookies. Mary Todd had her Sugar Cookies. Eleanor, her Honey Drops. And now Melania with her Sour Cream Sugar Cookies in the shape of stars. Let’s just assume that last recipe was handed down from the Old Country. 

However, this week we are going back to the OG FLOTUS herself, Martha Washington. Known around the swamp and Lady Washington, Miss Martha was quite the hostess. And among her arsenal of revolutionary treats were the delicious Shrewsbury Cakes shown above. 

More of a biscuit than cookie (or cake as it is named), this cookie was perfected in a time when sugar was not readily available. The Shrewsbury Cake is pretty tasty and I feel would hold up well when smuggled across the Potomac in the dead of night. Or eaten raw while horizontal on your sofa praying the next fart is simply just that and nothing more. 

Shrewsbury Cakes

RECIPE FROM MARTHA WASHINGTON

FOR MORE COOKIE BASED FUN CHECK OUT THESE POSTS FROM MY PAST!

SMACK, TOFFEE COOKIES, AND THE (DIA)BETES

THE DAMN MONTH OF PUMPKIN

DARK BROWN SUGAR COOKIES

Ranch Eggs

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Ranch Eggs

Well Hell froze over. And with it North Carolina.

Did your Friday night involve the entire infrastructure of your town shutting down due to some precipitation? Maybe.

Did your Friday night involve a massive plate of pad see ew, a comped bottle of wine, a mildly uncomfortable discussion with a stranger about the now shuttered clothing store Structure, and this same stranger’s orgies that he participated in during the late 80s? Probably not.

Did your Friday night involve your two bartenders abandoning ship to take a bright blue sled down the middle of a snow filled main street while the local news aired it live? I doubt it.

Did your Friday night involve an impromptu, live on Facebook, snowball to the nads? Unlikely.

Did your Friday night involve watching a grown ass woman create a parking lot snow angel in 1” of snow with the excitement of a toddler who just discovered that farting is funny? I'm thinking no.

Did your Friday night involve some midnight racing of remote control trucks in a snow covered parking lot? I don’t think so.

It's okay. I'm sure your Friday night was fun too.

In all seriousness last night was off my plan de jour to make January a “cleanse” month. Not cleanse in the classic sense. Just cleanse in that I'm not binge eating homemade peanut butter balls while waiting for the lasagna to warm.

With an attempt at some clean eating I enlisted the help of my fellow blogger and Netflix aficionado, Steph Ondrusek over at Strong By Steph. Take a moment out of your current binge and check her out.

Steph recently blessed us with a simple guide to some healthy and tasteful food options to start the year out. Below is a slight variation of her Mexican Breakfast. Easily altered to make your own so mix it up! This easy meal is still fulfilling that guilt seeking pleasure we all promised to give up New Years Eve.

Happy Snowpocalypse.

Turkey Sandwich

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Turkey Sandwich with Mull of Kintyre Cheddar

2016 wrapped up with a bang (and not the good kind) and all I wanted was a damn turkey sandwich.

After dropping a teary eyed friend off at her apartment in the wee first hours of 2017 I raced home to peel off the champagne stained clothing, pulled out the building blocks of the simplest and yet so satisfying of sandwiches, and sat in silence to mentally recap what had gone down the previous 365 days. 

Things I Learned This Year Living In The South:

1. Life plans don't get derailed. They get rerouted. You just have to be smart enough to read a map to get back on track. 

2. There is something orgasmic about a well poached egg. 

3. To quote the great Chi-Chi from To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar, "No one is ever so rich as to throw away a friend." Some come and go. However brief their time with you it happened for a reason. 

Turkey Sandwich with Mull of Kintyre Cheddar

FEEDS ONE

CLICK BELOW FOR SOME PREVIOUS YEARS SHENANIGANS

RESTAURANT REVIEWS AND MYSTIC PIZZA

Hard Candy Christmas

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Hard Candy Christmas

"Hard Candy Christmas", sung by Dolly Parton on the 1982 soundtrack to the film The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, is the ultimate non Christmas/Christmas song. In the film Ms. Parton plays a no bullshit madam of the most popular, yet never spoken about, whorehouse in Texas.  

Not to spoil this family classic for everyone I will only tell you at one point in the movie Ms. Parton's character suffers some setbacks that send her into a song (like most setbacks in life).

"Hard Candy Christmas" tells us that even when the going gets tough all you have to do is dye your hair, get a car, move away, get drunk on apple wine, learn to sew and everything will be fine. But if those are not great options for you the real lesson learned from this great song is when the going gets tough just hitch up your damn britches and get shit done. 

Collectively we've had a challenging year. Personally I am still reeling from the loss of Anton Yelchin while secretly hoping all rainbow foods die a quick social media death. Be it celebrity death, a presidential election, or worse I have to think it's best we take the advice of the most famous fictional prostitute in the modern age...

"I'll be fine and dandy. Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas. I'm barely getting through tomorrow. But still I won't let sorrow bring me way down." 

Happy Holidays y'all.  See you next year.